The Procedure Details (PG13)

Alright. Our first PROCEDURE IUI! Ahh! I can't even describe it completely and what I am feeling. Mainly excitement.

It started with a depressing negative after negative ovulation test. if you know anything about cycles, there are "normal" ovulation days. I was on day 18 yesterday when I got the positive which is somewhat later but clomid can have that affect. I ran out of the bathroom and showed Rob. Then I proceeded to yell! Followed by a massive amount of shaking and tears. Of happiness and anxiety. It was that relieving. And the amount of support has just been AMAZING. The ones that reach out have made this so much easier to go through.

On that note, we went to Iowa City this morning. We got there at 8:15a and the first step is getting Robert's boys ready. That is what took the longest. It took them 1 hour 45 mins to have them ready which was nerve racking for me and then ASAP they get me set up in a room and boom!IUI takes places. That simple! They did mention that his boys are above average and that helps the situation. Go Rob! I have to admit the procedure was uncomfortable and I had some pain. But it is worth it in the end if  this is what it takes to have a baby!

The hardest part I believe is going to be waiting for two weeks to see if my period comes or a positive pregnancy test. Tears of joy or tears of sadness. I am going to go with hope. Hope and happiness. Thank you all again for the prayers and positive vibes. Maybe a Christmas Miracle!?

Nerves... of (not) steel

Ok, writing has become my therapy. It has been helpful. I have become SO anxious over the last few days that the count down is on for our first IUI. It could happen as early as MONDAY! I have all day to sit at work and think about the procedure and outcomes. The positive, the negative. HOW to handle it all has been the challenge. I have been practicing other ways to handle my anxiety without my xanax. Beings I can't take it pregnant, best start now right?

I do breathing techniques through out the day. I write. I run when I feel like I need to burn some extra energy. Then I get to thinking about what if I get a positive pregnancy test soon? Will I have a panic attack? Will I be able to go 9 months without my medication? * I mean there is no choice in that * The headaches with clomid just suck ass. Tylenol/Ibuprofen piggy backed and then of course trying to relax some. Thank gawd today is the last dose for the month.

Then, I start thinking about all the people who deal with anxiety and have been pregnant. They have found a way through it and now have a child. I also start to think about all the support that I have had through this journey as of lately. I may not have you all to just message when I need to talk or hang out. But knowing that my story has been inspirational to others and also the words of support and love has been more than helpful. Robert has been nothing but supportive of helping me with my anxiety. He knows that if this does not work out with us being pregnant, that he will be my rock and hold me up when it gets too much to handle.

With that being said, lets get this party started. Again, thank you to all who have reached out, commented, read and prayed for the outcome we as well are hoping for. So much for nerves of steel huh? Ah, I feel a little bit better now.

The Emotional Struggles are Real

Ok. SO I might be freaking out on and off since our doctor’s appointment. LOL I just am having all these emotions about what if and more. I keep thinking if this works how will I react beings it has been SO long. I have to admit, I am scared. I am scared that it may not work and we are at the end of trying to conceive our own baby. I am scared that I will become pregnant and not know how to do it. 

There are so many fears flying through me at this very moment. I am mostly scared that it won’t work though. I have had some break downs with tears of anxiety and excitement. But then I try to calm myself down because if it has been this long what makes me think that it is going to work now? I am trying to keep my hope at a realistic level if that makes sense. I feel like I have nobody that understands right now what I am going through that I can just talk to freely and have someone relate. I can’t handle the “it will happen when it happens” or the “quit trying and it will happen” because if that were the case, it would not be over 2.5 years. I want to share my fears.

 I know I have friends that are available and do not want those friends to think I can’t talk to them. It is just difficult. There are friends and acquaintances that have been down the road of infertility with positive outcomes which should give me hope. I am unfortunately isolating myself with this. So, I write.

 In a few weeks the IUI will take place and who knows, a month from now I could get a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it has consumed a lot of my thoughts lately. I will be posting updates about the process and of course, the results. Rather a positive or negative result. 

The Upcoming Journey..

The best choice Robert and I could have made was to move our doctors appointments to the University of Iowa. I was SO nervous yesterday and did not know what to expect. Well, it was so great. We did not feel uncomfortable and it was way more than I ever thought it would be for the first appointment. I had assumed it was just going to be a whole bunch of questions and then schedule for the next step. That is not at at all what happened. They were to the point and gave me the most hope I have felt in a long time.

As everyone knows, finding your way around the University is not all too easy. We parked in ramp 4 (thanks to a friend explaining where to park and go) and made our way to the Women's Health department. By this point, I am feeling so much anxiety that I almost needed Robert to get my anxiety meds. But I decided that this was the good anxiety and dealt with it med free. The check in was simple because I was one of the few who did my questionnaires and such online. We were then directed to the waiting room.

The nurse comes and takes us to our room where we answer some questions like any other appointment and wait for the doctor. Mind you, I thought I was seeing Dr. Bradley Van Voorhis. This was a woman who came in and introduced herself. She proceeded to ask what kind of testing we already had, if any. I had no idea until she told me that I was getting an ultrasound of my ovaries. She said this could tell them a lot about what to expect with me by the quality of them and if they acted "older" than they actually are.

I won't go into details about the how the ultrasound was done beings it was internal but the woman doing the testing reassured me that I had beautiful ovaries and lining. She proceeded to also tell me I had plenty of eggs. This was a relief because I had never had this test done. Back to the waiting room we went until again, we were brought back to our room. This time around, Dr Van Voorhis joined the female doctor (I feel terrible for not remembering her name). He mainly sat and listened while the other let us know the game plan.

Here is what we are expecting to do. First off, as I already knew, Robert and I are considered unknown infertility which hits 5% of couples. Without any help getting pregnant, we have a VERY small chance of getting pregnant on our own. With knowing this, we now know that we are prime candidates for IUI (Insemination) because all our testing have come back just fine. They also are going to put me on a higher dosage of clomid (UGH) to bring up the chances even higher. We are going to start as soon as NEXT month. How the U does this, is I take ovulation tests and the moment I get a "peak LH", we will have to go up to the U the next morning at 8am. It is about a four hour process and wa-la.. I am inseminated. For those of you that do not know what this truly means, I call it turkey basting (haha). A catheter bypasses my cervix and gets as close as possible to my fallopian tubes to give the swimmers a head start. We will try this for three months straight. If that does not work, well... IVF.  Fingers Crossed!!

As soon as we left, I told Robert "Oh my gosh, this could be happening finally" and followed it with "Holy crap can I handle ACTUALLY being pregnant?"  I had so many thoughts crossing my mind and poor Robert dealing with me. I feel emotional and hopefully but scared shitless. We are not pregnant (YET) but this could finally be our time. Robert and I also decided to be apart of two studies. One, we will actually be reimbursed and the second, we are just basically allowing our results and testing to be used in a database. When Dr. Van Voohis asked, we were more than willing because maybe offering ourselves to the study could help others down the road.

Less than a week...

You know, I hope one day I can look back on all these entries and get that feeling of “that was so long ago.” That we finally are blessed with a child. Rather naturally, surrogate, adoption, and so forth. With that being said, Monday is the big day of the first consultation with a specialist. Of course Robert is going to be attending with me as well. I am nervous, excited, at times just not interested, and full of crazy emotions.

Now, as I have time to think about it, I have been overwhelming myself with what to expect, what to ask, and how the appointment is supposed to go. I have it all planned out in my head as it is just a get to know each other appointment and not to expect much more than that. That means me being me, I will be well prepared with questions and comments. I will have them all written down and ready. I have no idea how these things work obviously.

I feel like with everything we have been through in Muscatine and their department, that I should not expect easy and quick answers. I don't want to feel the negativity I felt here. What I DO expect is to be cared about, bed side manner, not be on the back burner, and to feel like that my case is just as important as anyone else’s. Less than a week… and maybe, finally, fingers crossed, some answers in the very near future. 

Surrogacy

I had said this would be my next entry and to be honest I usually never write at home. But it just feels right. It was some thing I touched on briefly in the beginning of writing. I had said it was something that was not an option for many reasons. Reasons such as I was feeling like how could I handle Rob touching another woman’s belly? Not my belly when our child moved and kicked. Not having the connection with me that our child was growing inside of me? How could I even consider that!? Jealousy on a way different level of your significant other checking someone out and such. This was forming a bond with someone that could give him something I possibly could not. Then, the whole trusting another person to carry your baby for 9 months or so. Can you trust they are making the correct choices? Are they using drugs or alcohol? Will they continue to understand that this baby is not theirs to keep? Will they become annoyed that we may overwhelm them with questions or emotions?

With that being said, over 2.5 years in, those questions will always be there but I am realizing that if this an option, I think I could now handle it. I think Robert could now be willing to make this choice as well. I had a friend bring it up to me and I had a way different reaction to this then I would have two years ago. Now, I am a lot more open minded. I just have no idea how to go about it now. It can all be so overwhelming because it comes down to how badly do we want a child? Of course, easy answer. We do. But it almost is that feeling time is running out. The what ifs, the choices, and the judgement of what choice we do make. Judgement won’t be what distracts us, that is for sure. I do not have a friend or relative that would carry a baby for us which makes it a harder conversation. Trusting a stranger. It is a never ending battle of questions and stress. I just know that over time it has become more of a discussion as well. In a positive way. Being open minded and accepting, we have realized, is the way to go. 

Post Vacation

Well, here we are back to reality. Vacation was a nice get away from work, life, and responsibilities. Or at least, that what is suppose to be like, correct? I can say for the most part it was but of course we still end up having conversations about what we want for each other, with each other, and so forth. You know how they say when you stop trying, it will happen? Well I got news for ya, been there, done that. We have went away from schedules and meds already. We have tracked, we have tried. We have done the "old wise tales" suggestions. That brings this whole vacation scenario down to this: A choice of a childless life.

Ok, I know that I have touched base on this. But when those thoughts came about, we were very against even considering it. I knew it would come up again. I knew it would tug at my heart as well as my desires. This has been in a both positive and negative way. With that being said, we talked more about it on vacation. A more serious conversation about it. As we sit together looking over the ocean I asked yet again if this could be something he could do all his life. If he could be ok with living with just him and I. I know deep down Rob (as well as I) will always want a child, but I know on my personal level, I feel blessed even to have found a wonderful man. Of course, Rob is ok as long as he has me. He loved me first. 

We talked a little bit more about the benefits again and it seems we are accepting more and more that a child may not be part of our future. We are talking, instead of crying and isolating the conversation. Anyone who has dealt with infertility or never was able to have children know that you have to accept the reality of things. No matter how badly you may want something. You have to consider the other option, the option you would not choose if you had a choice. No, we do not plan on giving up and yes, we are going to the specialist next month. But at the same time, depending on what they say, we may just continue to not prevent the possibility and cross our fingers that one day I will get that positive pregnancy test. If it doesn’t happen, we can’t say we didn’t try. (so many negatives in that sentence!) Next blog, I want to talk about what we have thought about with a surrogate. 

Anxiety and Pregnancy

So, I have not written in a while partially because I have now been working full time along with evening activities, and we haven’t made it to the specialist yet. I was talking with a friend recently about pregnancy and child birth which brought up the subject of fears. Anyone who knows me knows I have some moderate and at times extreme anxiety. I have always had it but it heightened when my father passed away. Now, anyone who has it as well knows what we feel we know deep down is irrational but we can’t control it. I am realizing not even being pregnant, thinking about the fact I can’t have my meds for it my anxiety rises!

What if I have panic attacks the whole pregnancy? What if I can’t control any of it and it affects the baby and myself? How will I get through it without any sort of medication to calm me? I know many will say that I will be fine because I know I will be carrying a baby and have no choice but to control it. But, I have no idea! My anxiety is not social anxiety, group anxiety, but death anxiety. I know since it started I have it under way better control and have my techniques to deal with it when it is out of hand, but I also know I have my medication if I can’t control it. I am hoping meditation, yoga, and other natural remedies would get me through the long months. Or maybe I will be lucky and be someone that it levels out my anxiety! Imagine someone who worries their first pregnancy about every little thing and times it by 10. Oh Boy! Any mom's out there that know what I am talking about, would love some advice for when/if the day comes I get a positive pregnancy test:):)

I am going to go off subject here and bring up a natural way to help with infertility. I have been doing a lot of reading and found that some have went to the chiro for infertility. Something as simple as their pelvic area is tilted and the adjustments helped correct it. Or better yet helps with the blood flow of the reproductive system. Even the nervous system and automatic nervous system. As we start our journey with a specialist, I am also going to bring this up with my chiro. Why not? Can’t hurt! Count down to the specialist.. month and half. 

University of Iowa

So, it has been a while since I have written anything down when it comes to infertility. On a positive note, things have improved emotionally. On a negative note, my current facility messed up yet again and seems they don’t even care. Which means we are moving on to the University of Iowa Women’s Health facility. I can’t handle the lack of attention and support where I currently am.

This choice came with the fact that we are fed up as well as I was offered full time at my place of employment. With that being said, my place of employment offers amazing health insurance that covers up to $15k for infertility treatments! Feels amazing to see a break in the dark clouds for some sunlight to come through. Without coverage for infertility treatment, U of I wanted $250 just to go up and talk with them. Ouch! But, now we can use my insurance! I am so excited to be able to go to a place with such a wonderful reputation and gives me that hope back I have been lacking. 

The husband and I plan on taking a week vacation to Myrtle Beach. One, because we can, and two, because we never took much of a honeymoon! Shall be relaxing as well as  fun. I have decided that my appointment will soon follow our vacation. I am no longer in such a hurry because I am trying to find ways to accept what I can't control. November it is! I can’t wait to move forward and hope for the best. Hopefully all this good news keeps coming because it feels wonderful not to cry or be angry all the time. Wish us luck!

The Clothes

So, this past Sunday was my niece's 6th birthday party. I thought what better gift to get her than a pretty dress because this girl thinks shes a princess. :) We had already ran some errands and our last two stops was to get her a dress at Younkers and then stop and pick her cake up from Hy-vee. All this for my niece. I couldn't help but dream that it was for my little one!

Anyways, we are walking around Younkers and pass the itty bitty baby clothes. I grabbed one and just held it looking at it. I told Robert ohh I want a baby of my own soooo bad. I started to look through the baby clothes just thinking one day it will be for real. We finally make it to the dresses and go ahead and find a dress I know Loralyn will absolutely love. What princess doesn't love dresses! We make our way to the store for her cake. I just look at it and smile. Of course she picked frozen.

Unfortunately, her parents were going to be late to the party for an unforeseen situation. That means we are in charge. So, Grandma decides we are going to give her the presents EARLY! Man was she estatic. I couldn't wait to see her face when she opened up that dress. She loved it so much. The feel, the look, and the fact that she could put it on RIGHT NOW.

So to the point of this, I loved being able to help out with the party in a way that I know would be like throwing a party for my own child. I loved her face when she opened that dress. I loved the fact we helped make her birthday special even if things had come up. I loved looking at the baby clothes. I do have to ask though.... What if I bought a cute little baby outfit without even being pregnant? Does that show hope? Does it lead to disappointment? Or does it mean that I know in my heart one way or another, I will have a child? Maybe in the end, I can put that little outfit on my own baby and be so happy that I had bought it either way.

The Child Free Life Option

This is a controversial subject for sure. I’ll start with that my anxiety and insomnia has worsened in the past weeks. I am not sure if it is part of the clomid or just the stress of trying to make choices regarding our infertility options. Then add on daily life in general and boom, the brain won’t stop. Well, what I am about to bring up is not something that has really been discusses but when you think of options, this is one of them. A child free life.

I have been reading about infertility for a while now and I have seen this option pointed out but never really thought about it. Because, as usual, I have the no way am I not going to have a child mindset. So, lets list out some benefits of the child free life.

• Traveling and seeing the world
• Spending is less restrictive
• Career Changes
• Back to school
• Spontaneous activities
• Moving to a new location
• None of the stresses that parenting can cause
• And more

I will say that I do want to travel, take classes, maybe a career change, and even just the fact I am so in love with my husband that having him to myself is always awesome. This decision would be a huge one and there are quite the negatives as well. Which we all know what they would be because they are pretty straight forward. Carrying a child, giving birth, watching them grow, and so forth. I know we both have to keep in mind all the options available and the ones that aren’t possible as well. Currently, a child free life is not something that we want. But, we also are still at the beginning of the options of actually having a child. There is still hope. Am I saying this is not something we will discuss if it comes down to it? No. Open-mindedness is something to consider always.

Facilities

If anyone has seen my recent experiences with my current facility, you will know I am frustrated, upset, angry, and disappointed. I have reached out on Facebook for suggestions on doctors and/or a different facility. I feel as if my infertility isn't important enough to keep up with the consistent tests needed and commitment with the current place I go to. I am not wanting to bash the place because I like my doctor and my normal family doctor is amazing. But, infertility is not a joke. It is not something that should be overlooked and then have a crappy apology and still not take the blame for the situation. I was so upset on Saturday when I was suppose to go in and have blood drawn to see if I ovulated. Well, low and behold the person did not put in the order for my blood draw. Robert definitely was not happy about the situation. Mind you, a year ago during our first round of clomid there was a lot of inconsistency with them scheduling our testing as well. You can imagine what he had to say and that he had a lot of thoughts on the situation.

I called first thing this morning and waited for the nurse to call back. I think what was the most upsetting part of this whole ordeal is to get the response of "for whatever reason you missed your labs," or "it is only to tell you if you ovulated so it is ok to skip beings we missed your window." WTF! I missed my labs because YOU did not schedule my work up 20 days ago when you said you were going to. And to get this straight, IT IS A BIG DEAL to Robert and I. Our health insurance does  not cover infertility so we pay out of pocket for the Clomid and anything related. So, no its not ok. It is far from ok. It drags me into a spiral of emotion. We pay for services that have just been so unorganized and finally, disappointing. I did not want to leave my doctor but upon further discussion, we feel if we want to be treated like we matter and possibly have a baby one day, we need to move on from our current facility. It is not something I want to be slacked on. I want consistency, caring, respect, and answers. A specialist may be where we head or to an OB/GYN unit that is more informed with our situation. I want our case to be treated like we deserve. How anyone who would expect to be treated. 

Bad Day

Today would be considered one of the bad days that I can’t seem to shake. It started last week and it keeps getting darker for me emotionally. Spiraling. My anxiety is through the roof and have even been experiencing panic attacks again. I have had control of my panic attacks for years now and currently I am just out of whack.  Saturday was such an intense one that I almost went to the hospital because dumb me didn’t have my medication and was 45 minutes away! *Shaking my head* This is one of the darker days where I feel withdrawn and want to give up on anything that I want for myself. Hide in my room and watch sappy movies. So, here I am writing to you all. I know it has helped me through the last couple months so hoping today it helps relieve some of my stress and depression.

I have been zooming around the internet looking for outside of the box ways that are supposed to help with infertility along with insomnia. I am finding that having anxiety alone can cause both of these issues. I have been messing around with herbal teas because a friend recommended them and I do like the outcome.  These mood swings and headaches can come from my clomid. But, there is no way I am not going to take it. It is a rollercoaster ride these past days. One of those times I feel extra sorry for my husband (haha). He doesn’t seem to mind completely but more feels helpless that he can’t seem to help me. When I snap at people, most of the time it honestly has nothing to do with them. It is just me at a weak point.

There have been more and more pregnancy announcements so I am wondering if that is causing me to withdraw. I am not quite as angry, just lonely with what I am feeling and not having someone I personally know who understands. I am happy for the ones that are blessed with their new announcements but of course envious. I don’t want someone to feel scared to tell me they are pregnant. I feel like a Pandora’s box of emotion! If it isn’t dealing with our personal obstacles, it is dealing with something else. This is one of those posts that are all over the place but getting it off my chest, maybe, just maybe I can start to come out of this sink hole! 

Free Time

You know, something said to us all the time is at least we still can do what we want. We can go out, spend money, take random trips, and not think about a child to take care of or find daycare. I will say yes, we do go out and do things. We are not home a ton. No, we do not have to worry about daycare or other expenses that are related to a child and can spend extra on ourselves. But, have you ever thought about the fact that maybe we are tired of doing all these things? I would love a reason to stay home and not avoid home because we have nothing there. It is a reminder of an empty nest for us at times. Ya, ya enjoy the freedom while you can. But we are READY to lose that freedom to a child. Some say they are jealous that we can up and leave for Chicago without thinking or go out to the bars. In all honesty, I am jealous of the ones that get to stay home and cuddle with their kids or do crafts and sports. That get those proud moments of things they do for the first time or later in life.

I know everyone has read that list of what not to say to a woman about when do you plan on having kids and more. But to me, this should be added to the list too. To not say well you have freedom right now and when you do have kids you are stuck for 18 years or enjoy it while it last. That is not exactly something to say to someone who desperately wants a child. I used to dream of 2 maybe 3 children. Now, I beg for one. Along with the expenses and hectic family life that comes with it. 

Kaitlyn

To start, on to month two of clomid. I have faith. At least I want to. I have been doing my best lately to have only positive thoughts instead of always thinking the worst of this situation and so many other things going on in my life. But it can be so difficult. So, every day I am going to be writing down something positive for myself to try and rid myself of the negativity! It is not helpful for my mind or my body because it causes my anxiety to rise. Which then causes lack of sleep. My body needs to be healthy to hopefully carry a baby!

As some of you may know, my niece lives with Robert and I full time. She just turned 17. She has been with us since a couple months before she turned 16. Talk about timing! Man oh man does she challenge me daily and make me want to pull my hair out. I am sure many of you have experienced this with even your toddler or older child. There are times I wonder if God is waiting for her to be on her way to college and into the adult world before we get a positive pregnancy test. She would probably tell you I am grouchy or too expectant of her to be mature and get good grades. But isn’t that what a parent should want? Yes, I am her aunt but I treat her as I would if she were mine. There are days I feel like she is also preparing me for when my own child is that age specifically. I know I may yell or get pissy over small things, but isn’t that what happens sometimes? When she decides to not follow simple guidelines only because I worry? Or when I have had a long day and I am a jerk to everyone in the household.  Yup, I have blown a fuse and honestly, it is all out of love.

At the same time, it is sometimes hard to think I did not even give birth to her or have her when she was an infant, toddler, and such. That this responsibility falls on Robert and I before we may have been ready but we wouldn’t change it for the world. It actually brings tears to my eyes to think in one year she will be graduating. I probably would have cried either way because we have a close connection with her being born when I was only 12. But now, it is like wow our home will be empty. Crazy to get that feeling when we skipped right to having a teenager under our roof! She is a challenging, bright, loving, bratty, moody, beautiful young lady. The list could go on. I will ALWAYS expect so much from her because I believe in her. Hopefully, I am on the right track to parenting our own child. 

Blood

I had a blood draw done last week. It was day 21 of my cycle so that means time to find out if I ovulated. Getting my blood drawn has never bothered me but this test right now just makes me anxious about what the results will be. It takes a day or two to get the phone call. In this case, it took one day. I actually was at Relay for Life when I missed the call and gave them a call back. Ironically, I was standing on the track watching my husband play football with our five year old nephew. Teaching him to catch the ball and try to throw. It makes me know how great of a father he would be. With that being said, I was nervous as hell. What if they told me I did not ovulate? Would I be able to keep my composure?

Considering how fast my heart was beating, I am guessing not. Once the nurse came on the line, she said ok so it does appear…… you show signs of ovulation! I could not be more relieved at the moment since I was standing at a very public place with lots of people around as well as it was GOOD NEWS! I told the nurse more than once thank you so much for calling and that I was happy to hear this. Of course she informs me that if I did not start my period in the next two weeks, take a test. (I never get my hopes up anymore but do you blame me?) Granted, I will be going through blood draws for the next 4-6 months with the clomid treatment, but this one month I know I did ovulate.

Now, just a side note. When you take a blood test at 21 days, that means you ovulated somewhere between days 10 & 14 so that is the window to get pregnant. Women have a 20% chance to conceive in about a 48 hour window. How nerve racking! I can say that I rather know what the reason is behind our not conceiving instead of being in the dark. I have always thought if we knew, then there could be a way to fix it or know if it’s even possible. But lets deal with the situation at hand. SO, on to the next month of meds and blood! *Fingers crossed*

Parents Around Me..

First, I will say this is not an entry to piss people off. Just how I am feeling about some things. I have found that I am a lot more sensitive to the parents that have children and take it for granted. I get so frustrated in situations that I would give anything to spend the weekends with my child/children than be at the bar all the time or out with friends a lot. I wish I had that home life to keep me at home instead of out doing the night life. Or those parents that pawn their children off on others. I know I sound rude to some but you have a gift. A child that loves you. I know that you’re personal life doesn’t completely end but there are LIMITS. Yes, getting away here and there is definitely understandable. Not every day or every full weekend away to party in my personal opinion. (and yes it is just my opinion) Why would you not want to spend quality time with your children? If I could have that luxury, man oh man. I know it may seem I only state these facts because of the infertility aspect of my life, but that will also make me cherish having a child that much more if it is in the books for us.

Now, there are situations that are unknown and to why these things happen. It isn’t my business and at the same time it is so hard not to wonder what would make you part with your child so often. I know some that do CHOOSE to be away at their own accord for reasons that are not valid. They do not stay young forever. They grow and you miss the important things in their lives unfortunately. And this could be if you’re a parent home all the time even. It happens. I just know I will do my best to try to be a parent that chooses them over my own needs. Not leave them behind because I feel like other non-important things are more important than them. I do apologize if anyone is offended by this post but again, my opinion is just that. An opinion. I am not saying a parent like this does not love their child, but sometimes quality time is all that a child is hoping for. Time slows for no one. Concerts, games, programs, graduation, and more do not repeat themselves.

In retrospect, you have those parents that absolutely amazing. That their lives are on hold to provide what their child/children needs. Or to make their life as enjoyable and full as possible. I look up to those parents that might be wearing three year old shoes compared to making sure their child has new shoes each school year and more. All parents are different, I just wish more would open their eyes to the gift they have right in front of them. Your parenting techniques or how you treat your child may end up being carried into their own adulthood or parenting life. :(

Boiling..

I had a boiling point strike hard this week. I was angry on the inside and let it take over which in turn others paid for it. The day started off long and tiring. It was very quiet which means I had too much time to think. So, when Robert came home I was in one of those moods. I was frustrated, snappy, and plain mean. I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew I should stop. I knew it was far from fair. My poor niece even got some of the heat.

The worst part was I decided to make supper choices difficult. I blamed Robert. But some reason he just took it. He got frustrated not knowing why I was acting the way I was but at the same time, I wasn’t making it easy. We could all agree I was being a bitch. Heck, I reached out to a friend to even lecture me on being this way and that I was being ridiculous because I WAS!

When I finally calmed down, I apologized to my wonderful husband and we talked it out. I knew I needed to stop being an asshole.  He admitted that he knew I was not actually angry over the pizza or what was for supper. He amazes me every time he knows I will give in and talk about what is really bothering me. Communication has always been the key with us and his patience with my crap is astonishing. I wouldn’t have patience with my own self!  SO to get to that point, I was plain tired of infertility at that moment. (and most but this was one of those bad days) And tired of some other aspects of things. I yell at myself that it is not fair to the ones that take the heat, especially the ones I love to treat them as my punching bag. I just can’t seem to help it at times and I have yet to decide which is worse; depression or anger. I could ask Robert but I bet I don’t want to hear that answer!

Ovulation

So, ovulation. I know I had mentioned that I had two blood draws and only of the two, one showed that I had ovulated. (and found out a year later) Now, I start wondering if the previous doctor would have done blood draws more often maybe ovulation is the problem? What if this WHOLE time I had no idea that I possibly do not ovulate monthly. I know they have a medicine for that is specifically aimed at ovulation.

I work up early and decided it was time for another ovulation test. NOTHING. Mind you, I know my cycle well and I should be at least seeing some sort of faded line by now. I had already planned on going for a run but after another negative feeling running through my head and heart, it was needed.  Running is my personal getaway with my headphones and clearing my mind. It allows me to just let loose mentally and physically. This time around with all this infertility talk and tracking, I am noticing other possibilities that we may have skipped over of why we do not have our beautiful bundle of joy.

I fought with myself during my run to think positively and by time I made the final turn back home, I was back on track for the day of trying not to harp on the negative part of this whole ordeal. We decided together to take a step back and go return to the beginning so it can’t consume me this time around! Positive thoughts bring positive results right? (As I type this of course I have the retort.. uh huh, ya right!)

And Acceptance

This is not a part of grief I have made it to yet. I REFUSE to accept that I will not have a child of my own. Granted, I have started to let it creep into my mind that it may not be possible but WE are not done fighting for a way for this to happen. There are many medical options that we have yet to try together and see if it is for us. Currently, as I stated before, we are back to clomid for one last try. Then we will go from there on to the more expensive and invasive procedures.

Why should we accept the fate before it has been tested on every level? I know that in the end if we do not have a biological child as we had planned, there are other options. Don’t get me wrong we do talk about foster care and adoption. We actually have our paper work filled out and trying to get ready to attend classes to be ready if this were to be our only option. When/if this is where we find ourselves with having a child, we will definitely love this child the same as if it were our biological child. We are just not ready for this step without going through all the options for our own. We may end up adopting either way because there are so many children out there that deserve a loving family.

Acceptance right now makes me think I am accepting defeat and I already currently feel broken enough. I know acceptance seems like a positive term but at this point, it is depressing. Infertility has turned into a vicious circle of emotions that at times I can’t seem to control. Maybe one day we will have a child or possibly have to learn to accept that we will not have our own together. This journey has been a test of patience, faith, hope, and love.
   In all honesty, does a person accept what has happened or are they forced to accept because you can not change what is.

Anger, Bargaining, Depression

Anger. This would be the stage that I have felt the absolute most. I have yelled, screamed, thrown things, cursed, and so much more. I have plain taken it out on other people without realizing it at times. It has consumed me more than once and I am not a person that is normally anger. Hell, I have been down right hateful when the anger consumes me. It is the most exhausting feeling to be angry. All the questions of infertility and why us? CONSTANT questioning which would then piss me off to no end that I had no answers. I would blame God and at times I still do. Because of course, the main thing that some say to me would be that God has a plan. And my retort inside my head, and your point? I am still childless and may well possibly be forever. So, again, PISSED off. I can say that running with my headphones has been one thing that has helped time and time again. I disappear into my head and run that anger out of my body.

Bargaining. This would be a part of grief I experienced more when my dad passed away 13 years ago. But, I can say that I tried to bargain with God so he would bless us with a baby. A simple deal such as I would eat organically for a better healthy body to carry or something as difficult as (for me sometimes) not to drink anymore beer now and forever. Anyone who knows me, knows I like my beer J. I would bargain with my soul and with my sins. I would plain just beg at times that I would make a wonderful mother and I would do anything to prove it. This stage of grief was not such a big one in the world of infertility for myself.

Depression. I have dealt with this on more than one occasion rather losing my dad or a family/friend/boyfriend. But I have never felt as empty, as hurt and heartbroken, as I do with infertility. It is almost like I have already lost something I never had a chance to have to begin with. This sparks that anger to grow. My chest becomes heavy more than not and I fight through it. I went through a stage where I could not kick the depression and almost turned to a daily medication to help me through. I couldn’t see an end in sight with the sadness, heaviness, or the insomnia. But, I fought to keep myself from falling down a very dark path. Depression and anger are so deeply rooted together that I feel like if I do not still feel anger then the depression will win. I am STILL fighting against depression daily to not let it consume me. The biggest downfall would be not being able to sleep at night. I try to find the light in every day and the best light I have is my husband. He has helped me through so much that without him, I would already be long gone down the dark path. It is a battle daily and currently, I do not see it going anywhere.

Acceptance.  I will continue with this the next blog entry.

Denial

As everyone knows, there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages aren't only related to death. For me, I have experienced it that way but I also relate to it when it comes to our battle with infertility.


This post will be more toward the denial aspect of grief. When we first decided to start for a baby, of course we thought it would be right away with no issues. As a few months passed, I started to feel nervous but would not let it cross my mind that we were not able to have a baby or that we were challenged. When it comes to denial, my husband probably experienced it more than I. Granted, he was trying to stay positive and to this day I believe he is still in denial of the fact we may never have our own child.


As for myself, my experience with denial was not even wanting to go to the doctor and be checked out or look at options out there. I think I was more scared than anything to find out it was me that was the problem in the baby making equation. How would I break it to my husband that he would not have his own child because of me? The denial was worse when the doctor appointments started. I still could not accept that we were one of the couples who fight infertility. At this point, Robert was still the positive note in my mind with all his encouraging efforts to keep me from falling apart. Little did he realize, I wasn't feeling much. I kept thinking, "No way we are going through this!" or "I refuse to think we are robbed of having a child." I never let it cross my mind that if I would have jumped on this sooner, we would maybe have had a head start in the right direction.


Now, I do not deny infertility. How can I? We still have no baby to prove that we are not a couple who fights the battle. As I said before, Robert still has that positive note of, "Oh it will happen." I can say if it wasn't for him, I would have been through the five stages a million times but having a significant other for support helps me through the stages. The next post, I will talk about stage two, Anger. Which there is STILL plenty of that!

The Husband

I will be very honest about how infertility affects a marriage. It actually does strain a marriage because in reality you’re both disappointed, angry, upset, and hopeless but at the same time need to be there for each other. I think the worst part is that my husband doesn’t show as much emotion over this situation compared to myself. It took a long while to realize that he is feeling just as bad but on the inside. I am blessed with a husband that loves me unconditionally and puts up with my moods relating to infertility. BUT, I need to return the favor to him and let him talk about his feelings or at least let him know he can. He is normally the strong one for me.

I first noticed the strain when we were not being as communicative towards each other. I’ll tell you what, Robert and I do not hold back on what we say rather it’s being pissed off or if something very personal. After a while, I found myself personally being angry more often than not. And who would I take it out on? Of course it would be Robert. He took it like a champ. Not saying that he is an angel but to deal with a woman that is up and down emotionally over so much that takes a lot out of you. I also got to a point of not wanting to be touched.

 Finally, I realized I was being a jerk and lashing out at the one person I know is experiencing the same feelings as myself. Communication has always been our strong suit and I had blocked him out.  I brought it up to him about how I had been treating him and some others around me and told him how I was feeling. Right at that moment, the strain was lifting. He said he knew I would talk to him at some point and he understands how difficult this all is, because he feels it too. My main thoughts about this conversation is that I am not the only one with a struggle here. He is too and it is not fair to think it is worse on me only because I show it compared to a man that keeps it all inside. So, the moral of this post would be that infertility isn’t just hard for the body, one person or one heart, but on a marriage as well. It makes sense that it would be because you both want something so bad and get caught up in your own heartbreak that you forget about the other. The blessing with Robert and I, we don’t blame each other for not having a child. There are just times we need to not shut each other out.

Clomid and Doctors

A doctor visit happened this week. It wasn’t what I completely expected. It was a positive environment and with the new doctor I am seeing, there is hope again. Before, my previous doctor tried four cycles of clomid. At the time, I was not well informed on what the procedure was. Then we moved on to some testing.  Robert is fine on his end. As for me, I did the fallopian tube testing which is called a hysterosalpingogram. Let me tell you what, that was the worst pain of my life. They actually attach to your fallopian tubes and force dye through them to make sure there are no blockages. Thankfully, I do not have blockages.

As for the doctor appointment yesterday, we did find out some news that I wasn’t aware of. They had drawn blood only twice when it came to four clomid cycles. I showed ovulation in one but not the other. Granted, the blood could’ve been drawn too late. This was not the best news because ovulation has to occur to get pregnant.  Dr. Kimberly wants to go backwards and try another round of Clomid. For those of you that do not know what clomid is, this is a medication taken to support the growth and release of a mature egg in the female. It also increases your chances of twins!

Dr. Kimberly also gave us an infertility packet that explained all of the types of options we have in the future if we are not pregnant after this round of clomid. She made me feel calm and not anxious about the next three months. What is another three months of clomid when we have been waiting for over two years? I mean, it already feels like we are moving back to the beginning with the clomid. Second times a charm right?

After the doctor’s appointment, robert and I discussed what we believe we should be doing. That came down to paying close attention to my cycle as well as our diets and vitamins. We had been religious to this idea in the beginning but in the last few months, we were so discouraged that we stopped tracking so much. Now, with this new and refreshed hope, we want to do everything we can to keep on track as well as keep a positive mindset. We say this now, but we could always fall back into the bad habit of feeling sad and hopeless. We are hoping that this option does not come back!

The Baby News

The dreaded baby news. All around us, everyone seems to be getting pregnant and the only reason it is noticed more than it should be, is because we are constantly hoping and praying that one day it will be us sharing the news. I know I have had friends and family have anxiety of telling me they are expecting, but you have to understand. Our infertility is not your fault. We WANT to know you're expecting and be happy with you. I will be honest and say, yes in the back of my mind and heart I am jealous. I am saddened about my situation but it does not reflect anything on a friend sharing their wonderful and exciting news. When your baby is born, I would be one of the first in line to hold him or her and that in itself is a great feeling. :)


When a person does hold back telling us their news out of fear, it actually hurts a little bit more because it makes us feel left out. Part of our own club of "Hey you can't get pregnant" and nobody wants to tell you their news. I know it is done out of protection but makes me personally feel that much more inferior to conceiving. And the friends that know me, know that I will put a smile on my face and celebrate with you! It's a blessing for all around. Don't feel bad that you are blessed with a child. We sure don't feel bad you are.

Names

I am sure every couple has went through the process of picking names for just in case they get pregnant. Heck, as a little girl we pretended to pick out names for our future babies we planned on having. I know Robert and I have always had names in mind before we started to try and conceive. Amaryllis Rose or Ann and Robert Lee the IV. It was exciting to know when and if the time came, we agreed and loved what we had chosen. Never did we believe those names may always be a dream.

Today, I am meeting with my new OBGYN because my previous doctor left the practice. I am excited but at the same time scared that it will be the same outcome. I am going in with positive thoughts that maybe this new doctor may have new ideas or new diagnoses. I am full of questions and possibly ask if we could try Provera instead of Clomid. If maybe my cervix is scarred or if I can get my uterus scraped. Or what about acupuncture. I want to go in with a fresh new hope.  I will always have it in the back of my mind that this could change nothing and we will continue on this path of infertility and sadness.

The Gist of it..

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over two years now. We never thought we would be that couple that faces the difficulties of conceiving. We have done four rounds of clomid as well as I had my tubes tested. We did blood draws to check ovulation and that was also fine. My husband's sperm count came back with flying colors. So that is when the confusion and heart break started. We could not figure out why us? Why are there so many that don't want children have them but yet we want one so badly and can't seem to.The comments from friends and family asking us when we planned on having a child sometimes was the worst. Over time, they finally stopped asking period. Not to mention, it felt like anyone and everyone was announcing their pregnancies. I felt so selfish of being envious and angry but I knew it wasn’t their fault I was having these issues.

 

The last six months have been trying on our marriage because I had not realized I was becoming depressed about it as well as withdrawn from him. I was angry, confused, depressed, and so many other emotions I did not realize I was projecting on to him. I did not feel the want to have sex anymore or to talk about it. I did not want to talk to others about it because I felt like there was something wrong with me. Almost embarrassed when in reality talking about it can not only help myself, but it could help others who suffer from infertility as well.

 

In the last couple weeks, I finally told him exactly how I was feeling. I mean, it's not fair to leave the person dealing with the same situation out of the conversation. Little did I realize, he is just as sad and emotional but chooses to be strong for me. Recently I asked him if he would still love me and want a future with me if a child was not possible. His response melted my heart. He said, "Of course I want a child, but I loved you first. I am not going anywhere." We are still on this journey of where to go next when it comes to having a family but we are finally on the same page again. I believe that is something that needs to exist if you are going to live through the heartache and joys of conceiving.