Names

I am sure every couple has went through the process of picking names for just in case they get pregnant. Heck, as a little girl we pretended to pick out names for our future babies we planned on having. I know Robert and I have always had names in mind before we started to try and conceive. Amaryllis Rose or Ann and Robert Lee the IV. It was exciting to know when and if the time came, we agreed and loved what we had chosen. Never did we believe those names may always be a dream.

Today, I am meeting with my new OBGYN because my previous doctor left the practice. I am excited but at the same time scared that it will be the same outcome. I am going in with positive thoughts that maybe this new doctor may have new ideas or new diagnoses. I am full of questions and possibly ask if we could try Provera instead of Clomid. If maybe my cervix is scarred or if I can get my uterus scraped. Or what about acupuncture. I want to go in with a fresh new hope.  I will always have it in the back of my mind that this could change nothing and we will continue on this path of infertility and sadness.

The Gist of it..

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over two years now. We never thought we would be that couple that faces the difficulties of conceiving. We have done four rounds of clomid as well as I had my tubes tested. We did blood draws to check ovulation and that was also fine. My husband's sperm count came back with flying colors. So that is when the confusion and heart break started. We could not figure out why us? Why are there so many that don't want children have them but yet we want one so badly and can't seem to.The comments from friends and family asking us when we planned on having a child sometimes was the worst. Over time, they finally stopped asking period. Not to mention, it felt like anyone and everyone was announcing their pregnancies. I felt so selfish of being envious and angry but I knew it wasn’t their fault I was having these issues.

 

The last six months have been trying on our marriage because I had not realized I was becoming depressed about it as well as withdrawn from him. I was angry, confused, depressed, and so many other emotions I did not realize I was projecting on to him. I did not feel the want to have sex anymore or to talk about it. I did not want to talk to others about it because I felt like there was something wrong with me. Almost embarrassed when in reality talking about it can not only help myself, but it could help others who suffer from infertility as well.

 

In the last couple weeks, I finally told him exactly how I was feeling. I mean, it's not fair to leave the person dealing with the same situation out of the conversation. Little did I realize, he is just as sad and emotional but chooses to be strong for me. Recently I asked him if he would still love me and want a future with me if a child was not possible. His response melted my heart. He said, "Of course I want a child, but I loved you first. I am not going anywhere." We are still on this journey of where to go next when it comes to having a family but we are finally on the same page again. I believe that is something that needs to exist if you are going to live through the heartache and joys of conceiving.