Anger. This would
be the stage that I have felt the absolute most. I have yelled, screamed,
thrown things, cursed, and so much more. I have plain taken it out on other
people without realizing it at times. It has consumed me more than once and I
am not a person that is normally anger. Hell, I have been down right hateful
when the anger consumes me. It is the most exhausting feeling to be angry. All
the questions of infertility and why us? CONSTANT questioning which would then
piss me off to no end that I had no answers. I would blame God and at times I
still do. Because of course, the main thing that some say to me would be that
God has a plan. And my retort inside my head, and your point? I am still
childless and may well possibly be forever. So, again, PISSED off. I can say
that running with my headphones has been one thing that has helped time and
time again. I disappear into my head and run that anger out of my body.
Bargaining. This
would be a part of grief I experienced more when my dad passed away 13 years
ago. But, I can say that I tried to bargain with God so he would bless us with
a baby. A simple deal such as I would eat organically for a better healthy body
to carry or something as difficult as (for me sometimes) not to drink anymore
beer now and forever. Anyone who knows me, knows I like my beer J. I would bargain with
my soul and with my sins. I would plain just beg at times that I would make a
wonderful mother and I would do anything to prove it. This stage of grief was
not such a big one in the world of infertility for myself.
Depression. I
have dealt with this on more than one occasion rather losing my dad or a family/friend/boyfriend.
But I have never felt as empty, as hurt and heartbroken, as I do with
infertility. It is almost like I have already lost something I never had a
chance to have to begin with. This sparks that anger to grow. My chest becomes
heavy more than not and I fight through it. I went through a stage where I
could not kick the depression and almost turned to a daily medication to help
me through. I couldn’t see an end in sight with the sadness, heaviness, or the
insomnia. But, I fought to keep myself from falling down a very dark path.
Depression and anger are so deeply rooted together that I feel like if I do not
still feel anger then the depression will win. I am STILL fighting against
depression daily to not let it consume me. The biggest downfall would be not
being able to sleep at night. I try to find the light in every day and the best
light I have is my husband. He has helped me through so much that without him,
I would already be long gone down the dark path. It is a battle daily and
currently, I do not see it going anywhere.
Acceptance. I will continue with this the next blog entry.
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