Boiling..

I had a boiling point strike hard this week. I was angry on the inside and let it take over which in turn others paid for it. The day started off long and tiring. It was very quiet which means I had too much time to think. So, when Robert came home I was in one of those moods. I was frustrated, snappy, and plain mean. I knew I was being ridiculous. I knew I should stop. I knew it was far from fair. My poor niece even got some of the heat.

The worst part was I decided to make supper choices difficult. I blamed Robert. But some reason he just took it. He got frustrated not knowing why I was acting the way I was but at the same time, I wasn’t making it easy. We could all agree I was being a bitch. Heck, I reached out to a friend to even lecture me on being this way and that I was being ridiculous because I WAS!

When I finally calmed down, I apologized to my wonderful husband and we talked it out. I knew I needed to stop being an asshole.  He admitted that he knew I was not actually angry over the pizza or what was for supper. He amazes me every time he knows I will give in and talk about what is really bothering me. Communication has always been the key with us and his patience with my crap is astonishing. I wouldn’t have patience with my own self!  SO to get to that point, I was plain tired of infertility at that moment. (and most but this was one of those bad days) And tired of some other aspects of things. I yell at myself that it is not fair to the ones that take the heat, especially the ones I love to treat them as my punching bag. I just can’t seem to help it at times and I have yet to decide which is worse; depression or anger. I could ask Robert but I bet I don’t want to hear that answer!

Ovulation

So, ovulation. I know I had mentioned that I had two blood draws and only of the two, one showed that I had ovulated. (and found out a year later) Now, I start wondering if the previous doctor would have done blood draws more often maybe ovulation is the problem? What if this WHOLE time I had no idea that I possibly do not ovulate monthly. I know they have a medicine for that is specifically aimed at ovulation.

I work up early and decided it was time for another ovulation test. NOTHING. Mind you, I know my cycle well and I should be at least seeing some sort of faded line by now. I had already planned on going for a run but after another negative feeling running through my head and heart, it was needed.  Running is my personal getaway with my headphones and clearing my mind. It allows me to just let loose mentally and physically. This time around with all this infertility talk and tracking, I am noticing other possibilities that we may have skipped over of why we do not have our beautiful bundle of joy.

I fought with myself during my run to think positively and by time I made the final turn back home, I was back on track for the day of trying not to harp on the negative part of this whole ordeal. We decided together to take a step back and go return to the beginning so it can’t consume me this time around! Positive thoughts bring positive results right? (As I type this of course I have the retort.. uh huh, ya right!)

And Acceptance

This is not a part of grief I have made it to yet. I REFUSE to accept that I will not have a child of my own. Granted, I have started to let it creep into my mind that it may not be possible but WE are not done fighting for a way for this to happen. There are many medical options that we have yet to try together and see if it is for us. Currently, as I stated before, we are back to clomid for one last try. Then we will go from there on to the more expensive and invasive procedures.

Why should we accept the fate before it has been tested on every level? I know that in the end if we do not have a biological child as we had planned, there are other options. Don’t get me wrong we do talk about foster care and adoption. We actually have our paper work filled out and trying to get ready to attend classes to be ready if this were to be our only option. When/if this is where we find ourselves with having a child, we will definitely love this child the same as if it were our biological child. We are just not ready for this step without going through all the options for our own. We may end up adopting either way because there are so many children out there that deserve a loving family.

Acceptance right now makes me think I am accepting defeat and I already currently feel broken enough. I know acceptance seems like a positive term but at this point, it is depressing. Infertility has turned into a vicious circle of emotions that at times I can’t seem to control. Maybe one day we will have a child or possibly have to learn to accept that we will not have our own together. This journey has been a test of patience, faith, hope, and love.
   In all honesty, does a person accept what has happened or are they forced to accept because you can not change what is.

Anger, Bargaining, Depression

Anger. This would be the stage that I have felt the absolute most. I have yelled, screamed, thrown things, cursed, and so much more. I have plain taken it out on other people without realizing it at times. It has consumed me more than once and I am not a person that is normally anger. Hell, I have been down right hateful when the anger consumes me. It is the most exhausting feeling to be angry. All the questions of infertility and why us? CONSTANT questioning which would then piss me off to no end that I had no answers. I would blame God and at times I still do. Because of course, the main thing that some say to me would be that God has a plan. And my retort inside my head, and your point? I am still childless and may well possibly be forever. So, again, PISSED off. I can say that running with my headphones has been one thing that has helped time and time again. I disappear into my head and run that anger out of my body.

Bargaining. This would be a part of grief I experienced more when my dad passed away 13 years ago. But, I can say that I tried to bargain with God so he would bless us with a baby. A simple deal such as I would eat organically for a better healthy body to carry or something as difficult as (for me sometimes) not to drink anymore beer now and forever. Anyone who knows me, knows I like my beer J. I would bargain with my soul and with my sins. I would plain just beg at times that I would make a wonderful mother and I would do anything to prove it. This stage of grief was not such a big one in the world of infertility for myself.

Depression. I have dealt with this on more than one occasion rather losing my dad or a family/friend/boyfriend. But I have never felt as empty, as hurt and heartbroken, as I do with infertility. It is almost like I have already lost something I never had a chance to have to begin with. This sparks that anger to grow. My chest becomes heavy more than not and I fight through it. I went through a stage where I could not kick the depression and almost turned to a daily medication to help me through. I couldn’t see an end in sight with the sadness, heaviness, or the insomnia. But, I fought to keep myself from falling down a very dark path. Depression and anger are so deeply rooted together that I feel like if I do not still feel anger then the depression will win. I am STILL fighting against depression daily to not let it consume me. The biggest downfall would be not being able to sleep at night. I try to find the light in every day and the best light I have is my husband. He has helped me through so much that without him, I would already be long gone down the dark path. It is a battle daily and currently, I do not see it going anywhere.

Acceptance.  I will continue with this the next blog entry.

Denial

As everyone knows, there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages aren't only related to death. For me, I have experienced it that way but I also relate to it when it comes to our battle with infertility.


This post will be more toward the denial aspect of grief. When we first decided to start for a baby, of course we thought it would be right away with no issues. As a few months passed, I started to feel nervous but would not let it cross my mind that we were not able to have a baby or that we were challenged. When it comes to denial, my husband probably experienced it more than I. Granted, he was trying to stay positive and to this day I believe he is still in denial of the fact we may never have our own child.


As for myself, my experience with denial was not even wanting to go to the doctor and be checked out or look at options out there. I think I was more scared than anything to find out it was me that was the problem in the baby making equation. How would I break it to my husband that he would not have his own child because of me? The denial was worse when the doctor appointments started. I still could not accept that we were one of the couples who fight infertility. At this point, Robert was still the positive note in my mind with all his encouraging efforts to keep me from falling apart. Little did he realize, I wasn't feeling much. I kept thinking, "No way we are going through this!" or "I refuse to think we are robbed of having a child." I never let it cross my mind that if I would have jumped on this sooner, we would maybe have had a head start in the right direction.


Now, I do not deny infertility. How can I? We still have no baby to prove that we are not a couple who fights the battle. As I said before, Robert still has that positive note of, "Oh it will happen." I can say if it wasn't for him, I would have been through the five stages a million times but having a significant other for support helps me through the stages. The next post, I will talk about stage two, Anger. Which there is STILL plenty of that!

The Husband

I will be very honest about how infertility affects a marriage. It actually does strain a marriage because in reality you’re both disappointed, angry, upset, and hopeless but at the same time need to be there for each other. I think the worst part is that my husband doesn’t show as much emotion over this situation compared to myself. It took a long while to realize that he is feeling just as bad but on the inside. I am blessed with a husband that loves me unconditionally and puts up with my moods relating to infertility. BUT, I need to return the favor to him and let him talk about his feelings or at least let him know he can. He is normally the strong one for me.

I first noticed the strain when we were not being as communicative towards each other. I’ll tell you what, Robert and I do not hold back on what we say rather it’s being pissed off or if something very personal. After a while, I found myself personally being angry more often than not. And who would I take it out on? Of course it would be Robert. He took it like a champ. Not saying that he is an angel but to deal with a woman that is up and down emotionally over so much that takes a lot out of you. I also got to a point of not wanting to be touched.

 Finally, I realized I was being a jerk and lashing out at the one person I know is experiencing the same feelings as myself. Communication has always been our strong suit and I had blocked him out.  I brought it up to him about how I had been treating him and some others around me and told him how I was feeling. Right at that moment, the strain was lifting. He said he knew I would talk to him at some point and he understands how difficult this all is, because he feels it too. My main thoughts about this conversation is that I am not the only one with a struggle here. He is too and it is not fair to think it is worse on me only because I show it compared to a man that keeps it all inside. So, the moral of this post would be that infertility isn’t just hard for the body, one person or one heart, but on a marriage as well. It makes sense that it would be because you both want something so bad and get caught up in your own heartbreak that you forget about the other. The blessing with Robert and I, we don’t blame each other for not having a child. There are just times we need to not shut each other out.

Clomid and Doctors

A doctor visit happened this week. It wasn’t what I completely expected. It was a positive environment and with the new doctor I am seeing, there is hope again. Before, my previous doctor tried four cycles of clomid. At the time, I was not well informed on what the procedure was. Then we moved on to some testing.  Robert is fine on his end. As for me, I did the fallopian tube testing which is called a hysterosalpingogram. Let me tell you what, that was the worst pain of my life. They actually attach to your fallopian tubes and force dye through them to make sure there are no blockages. Thankfully, I do not have blockages.

As for the doctor appointment yesterday, we did find out some news that I wasn’t aware of. They had drawn blood only twice when it came to four clomid cycles. I showed ovulation in one but not the other. Granted, the blood could’ve been drawn too late. This was not the best news because ovulation has to occur to get pregnant.  Dr. Kimberly wants to go backwards and try another round of Clomid. For those of you that do not know what clomid is, this is a medication taken to support the growth and release of a mature egg in the female. It also increases your chances of twins!

Dr. Kimberly also gave us an infertility packet that explained all of the types of options we have in the future if we are not pregnant after this round of clomid. She made me feel calm and not anxious about the next three months. What is another three months of clomid when we have been waiting for over two years? I mean, it already feels like we are moving back to the beginning with the clomid. Second times a charm right?

After the doctor’s appointment, robert and I discussed what we believe we should be doing. That came down to paying close attention to my cycle as well as our diets and vitamins. We had been religious to this idea in the beginning but in the last few months, we were so discouraged that we stopped tracking so much. Now, with this new and refreshed hope, we want to do everything we can to keep on track as well as keep a positive mindset. We say this now, but we could always fall back into the bad habit of feeling sad and hopeless. We are hoping that this option does not come back!

The Baby News

The dreaded baby news. All around us, everyone seems to be getting pregnant and the only reason it is noticed more than it should be, is because we are constantly hoping and praying that one day it will be us sharing the news. I know I have had friends and family have anxiety of telling me they are expecting, but you have to understand. Our infertility is not your fault. We WANT to know you're expecting and be happy with you. I will be honest and say, yes in the back of my mind and heart I am jealous. I am saddened about my situation but it does not reflect anything on a friend sharing their wonderful and exciting news. When your baby is born, I would be one of the first in line to hold him or her and that in itself is a great feeling. :)


When a person does hold back telling us their news out of fear, it actually hurts a little bit more because it makes us feel left out. Part of our own club of "Hey you can't get pregnant" and nobody wants to tell you their news. I know it is done out of protection but makes me personally feel that much more inferior to conceiving. And the friends that know me, know that I will put a smile on my face and celebrate with you! It's a blessing for all around. Don't feel bad that you are blessed with a child. We sure don't feel bad you are.