Bad Day

Today would be considered one of the bad days that I can’t seem to shake. It started last week and it keeps getting darker for me emotionally. Spiraling. My anxiety is through the roof and have even been experiencing panic attacks again. I have had control of my panic attacks for years now and currently I am just out of whack.  Saturday was such an intense one that I almost went to the hospital because dumb me didn’t have my medication and was 45 minutes away! *Shaking my head* This is one of the darker days where I feel withdrawn and want to give up on anything that I want for myself. Hide in my room and watch sappy movies. So, here I am writing to you all. I know it has helped me through the last couple months so hoping today it helps relieve some of my stress and depression.

I have been zooming around the internet looking for outside of the box ways that are supposed to help with infertility along with insomnia. I am finding that having anxiety alone can cause both of these issues. I have been messing around with herbal teas because a friend recommended them and I do like the outcome.  These mood swings and headaches can come from my clomid. But, there is no way I am not going to take it. It is a rollercoaster ride these past days. One of those times I feel extra sorry for my husband (haha). He doesn’t seem to mind completely but more feels helpless that he can’t seem to help me. When I snap at people, most of the time it honestly has nothing to do with them. It is just me at a weak point.

There have been more and more pregnancy announcements so I am wondering if that is causing me to withdraw. I am not quite as angry, just lonely with what I am feeling and not having someone I personally know who understands. I am happy for the ones that are blessed with their new announcements but of course envious. I don’t want someone to feel scared to tell me they are pregnant. I feel like a Pandora’s box of emotion! If it isn’t dealing with our personal obstacles, it is dealing with something else. This is one of those posts that are all over the place but getting it off my chest, maybe, just maybe I can start to come out of this sink hole! 

Free Time

You know, something said to us all the time is at least we still can do what we want. We can go out, spend money, take random trips, and not think about a child to take care of or find daycare. I will say yes, we do go out and do things. We are not home a ton. No, we do not have to worry about daycare or other expenses that are related to a child and can spend extra on ourselves. But, have you ever thought about the fact that maybe we are tired of doing all these things? I would love a reason to stay home and not avoid home because we have nothing there. It is a reminder of an empty nest for us at times. Ya, ya enjoy the freedom while you can. But we are READY to lose that freedom to a child. Some say they are jealous that we can up and leave for Chicago without thinking or go out to the bars. In all honesty, I am jealous of the ones that get to stay home and cuddle with their kids or do crafts and sports. That get those proud moments of things they do for the first time or later in life.

I know everyone has read that list of what not to say to a woman about when do you plan on having kids and more. But to me, this should be added to the list too. To not say well you have freedom right now and when you do have kids you are stuck for 18 years or enjoy it while it last. That is not exactly something to say to someone who desperately wants a child. I used to dream of 2 maybe 3 children. Now, I beg for one. Along with the expenses and hectic family life that comes with it. 

Kaitlyn

To start, on to month two of clomid. I have faith. At least I want to. I have been doing my best lately to have only positive thoughts instead of always thinking the worst of this situation and so many other things going on in my life. But it can be so difficult. So, every day I am going to be writing down something positive for myself to try and rid myself of the negativity! It is not helpful for my mind or my body because it causes my anxiety to rise. Which then causes lack of sleep. My body needs to be healthy to hopefully carry a baby!

As some of you may know, my niece lives with Robert and I full time. She just turned 17. She has been with us since a couple months before she turned 16. Talk about timing! Man oh man does she challenge me daily and make me want to pull my hair out. I am sure many of you have experienced this with even your toddler or older child. There are times I wonder if God is waiting for her to be on her way to college and into the adult world before we get a positive pregnancy test. She would probably tell you I am grouchy or too expectant of her to be mature and get good grades. But isn’t that what a parent should want? Yes, I am her aunt but I treat her as I would if she were mine. There are days I feel like she is also preparing me for when my own child is that age specifically. I know I may yell or get pissy over small things, but isn’t that what happens sometimes? When she decides to not follow simple guidelines only because I worry? Or when I have had a long day and I am a jerk to everyone in the household.  Yup, I have blown a fuse and honestly, it is all out of love.

At the same time, it is sometimes hard to think I did not even give birth to her or have her when she was an infant, toddler, and such. That this responsibility falls on Robert and I before we may have been ready but we wouldn’t change it for the world. It actually brings tears to my eyes to think in one year she will be graduating. I probably would have cried either way because we have a close connection with her being born when I was only 12. But now, it is like wow our home will be empty. Crazy to get that feeling when we skipped right to having a teenager under our roof! She is a challenging, bright, loving, bratty, moody, beautiful young lady. The list could go on. I will ALWAYS expect so much from her because I believe in her. Hopefully, I am on the right track to parenting our own child. 

Blood

I had a blood draw done last week. It was day 21 of my cycle so that means time to find out if I ovulated. Getting my blood drawn has never bothered me but this test right now just makes me anxious about what the results will be. It takes a day or two to get the phone call. In this case, it took one day. I actually was at Relay for Life when I missed the call and gave them a call back. Ironically, I was standing on the track watching my husband play football with our five year old nephew. Teaching him to catch the ball and try to throw. It makes me know how great of a father he would be. With that being said, I was nervous as hell. What if they told me I did not ovulate? Would I be able to keep my composure?

Considering how fast my heart was beating, I am guessing not. Once the nurse came on the line, she said ok so it does appear…… you show signs of ovulation! I could not be more relieved at the moment since I was standing at a very public place with lots of people around as well as it was GOOD NEWS! I told the nurse more than once thank you so much for calling and that I was happy to hear this. Of course she informs me that if I did not start my period in the next two weeks, take a test. (I never get my hopes up anymore but do you blame me?) Granted, I will be going through blood draws for the next 4-6 months with the clomid treatment, but this one month I know I did ovulate.

Now, just a side note. When you take a blood test at 21 days, that means you ovulated somewhere between days 10 & 14 so that is the window to get pregnant. Women have a 20% chance to conceive in about a 48 hour window. How nerve racking! I can say that I rather know what the reason is behind our not conceiving instead of being in the dark. I have always thought if we knew, then there could be a way to fix it or know if it’s even possible. But lets deal with the situation at hand. SO, on to the next month of meds and blood! *Fingers crossed*

Parents Around Me..

First, I will say this is not an entry to piss people off. Just how I am feeling about some things. I have found that I am a lot more sensitive to the parents that have children and take it for granted. I get so frustrated in situations that I would give anything to spend the weekends with my child/children than be at the bar all the time or out with friends a lot. I wish I had that home life to keep me at home instead of out doing the night life. Or those parents that pawn their children off on others. I know I sound rude to some but you have a gift. A child that loves you. I know that you’re personal life doesn’t completely end but there are LIMITS. Yes, getting away here and there is definitely understandable. Not every day or every full weekend away to party in my personal opinion. (and yes it is just my opinion) Why would you not want to spend quality time with your children? If I could have that luxury, man oh man. I know it may seem I only state these facts because of the infertility aspect of my life, but that will also make me cherish having a child that much more if it is in the books for us.

Now, there are situations that are unknown and to why these things happen. It isn’t my business and at the same time it is so hard not to wonder what would make you part with your child so often. I know some that do CHOOSE to be away at their own accord for reasons that are not valid. They do not stay young forever. They grow and you miss the important things in their lives unfortunately. And this could be if you’re a parent home all the time even. It happens. I just know I will do my best to try to be a parent that chooses them over my own needs. Not leave them behind because I feel like other non-important things are more important than them. I do apologize if anyone is offended by this post but again, my opinion is just that. An opinion. I am not saying a parent like this does not love their child, but sometimes quality time is all that a child is hoping for. Time slows for no one. Concerts, games, programs, graduation, and more do not repeat themselves.

In retrospect, you have those parents that absolutely amazing. That their lives are on hold to provide what their child/children needs. Or to make their life as enjoyable and full as possible. I look up to those parents that might be wearing three year old shoes compared to making sure their child has new shoes each school year and more. All parents are different, I just wish more would open their eyes to the gift they have right in front of them. Your parenting techniques or how you treat your child may end up being carried into their own adulthood or parenting life. :(