Well, here we are back to
reality. Vacation was a nice get away from work, life, and responsibilities. Or
at least, that what is suppose to be like, correct? I can say for the most part
it was but of course we still end up having conversations about what we want
for each other, with each other, and so forth. You know how they say when you
stop trying, it will happen? Well I got news for ya, been there, done that. We
have went away from schedules and meds already. We have tracked, we have tried. We have done the "old wise tales" suggestions. That brings this whole vacation scenario down to this: A choice of a childless
life.
Ok, I know that I have
touched base on this. But when those thoughts came about, we were very against
even considering it. I knew it would come up again. I knew it would tug at my
heart as well as my desires. This has been in a both positive and negative way.
With that being said, we talked more about it on vacation. A more serious
conversation about it. As we sit together looking over the ocean I asked yet
again if this could be something he could do all his life. If he could be ok
with living with just him and I. I know deep down Rob (as well as I) will
always want a child, but I know on my personal level, I feel blessed even to
have found a wonderful man. Of course, Rob is ok as long as he has me. He loved
me first.
We talked a little bit
more about the benefits again and it seems we are accepting more and more that
a child may not be part of our future. We are talking, instead of crying and
isolating the conversation. Anyone who has dealt with infertility or never was
able to have children know that you have to accept the reality of things. No
matter how badly you may want something. You have to consider the other option,
the option you would not choose if you had a choice. No, we do not plan on
giving up and yes, we are going to the specialist next month. But at the same
time, depending on what they say, we may just continue to not prevent the possibility
and cross our fingers that one day I will get that positive pregnancy test. If
it doesn’t happen, we can’t say we didn’t try. (so many negatives in that
sentence!) Next blog, I want to talk about what we have thought about with a surrogate.