My husband and I have been trying to conceive for over two
years now. We never thought we would be that couple that faces the difficulties
of conceiving. We have done four rounds of clomid as well as I had my tubes
tested. We did blood draws to check ovulation and that was also fine. My
husband's sperm count came back with flying colors. So that is when the
confusion and heart break started. We could not figure out why us? Why are
there so many that don't want children have them but yet we want one so badly
and can't seem to.The comments from friends and family asking us when we
planned on having a child sometimes was the worst. Over time, they finally
stopped asking period. Not to mention, it felt like anyone and everyone was
announcing their pregnancies. I felt so selfish of being envious and angry but
I knew it wasn’t their fault I was having these issues.
The last six months have been trying on our marriage because
I had not realized I was becoming depressed about it as well as withdrawn from
him. I was angry, confused, depressed, and so many other emotions I did not
realize I was projecting on to him. I did not feel the want to have sex anymore
or to talk about it. I did not want to talk to others about it because I felt
like there was something wrong with me. Almost embarrassed when in reality
talking about it can not only help myself, but it could help others who suffer
from infertility as well.
In the last couple weeks, I finally told him exactly how I
was feeling. I mean, it's not fair to leave the person dealing with the same
situation out of the conversation. Little did I realize, he is just as sad and
emotional but chooses to be strong for me. Recently I asked him if he would
still love me and want a future with me if a child was not possible. His
response melted my heart. He said, "Of course I want a child, but I loved
you first. I am not going anywhere." We are still on this journey of where
to go next when it comes to having a family but we are finally on the same page
again. I believe that is something that needs to exist if you are going to live
through the heartache and joys of conceiving.
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