The Emotional Struggles are Real

Ok. SO I might be freaking out on and off since our doctor’s appointment. LOL I just am having all these emotions about what if and more. I keep thinking if this works how will I react beings it has been SO long. I have to admit, I am scared. I am scared that it may not work and we are at the end of trying to conceive our own baby. I am scared that I will become pregnant and not know how to do it. 

There are so many fears flying through me at this very moment. I am mostly scared that it won’t work though. I have had some break downs with tears of anxiety and excitement. But then I try to calm myself down because if it has been this long what makes me think that it is going to work now? I am trying to keep my hope at a realistic level if that makes sense. I feel like I have nobody that understands right now what I am going through that I can just talk to freely and have someone relate. I can’t handle the “it will happen when it happens” or the “quit trying and it will happen” because if that were the case, it would not be over 2.5 years. I want to share my fears.

 I know I have friends that are available and do not want those friends to think I can’t talk to them. It is just difficult. There are friends and acquaintances that have been down the road of infertility with positive outcomes which should give me hope. I am unfortunately isolating myself with this. So, I write.

 In a few weeks the IUI will take place and who knows, a month from now I could get a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it has consumed a lot of my thoughts lately. I will be posting updates about the process and of course, the results. Rather a positive or negative result. 

The Upcoming Journey..

The best choice Robert and I could have made was to move our doctors appointments to the University of Iowa. I was SO nervous yesterday and did not know what to expect. Well, it was so great. We did not feel uncomfortable and it was way more than I ever thought it would be for the first appointment. I had assumed it was just going to be a whole bunch of questions and then schedule for the next step. That is not at at all what happened. They were to the point and gave me the most hope I have felt in a long time.

As everyone knows, finding your way around the University is not all too easy. We parked in ramp 4 (thanks to a friend explaining where to park and go) and made our way to the Women's Health department. By this point, I am feeling so much anxiety that I almost needed Robert to get my anxiety meds. But I decided that this was the good anxiety and dealt with it med free. The check in was simple because I was one of the few who did my questionnaires and such online. We were then directed to the waiting room.

The nurse comes and takes us to our room where we answer some questions like any other appointment and wait for the doctor. Mind you, I thought I was seeing Dr. Bradley Van Voorhis. This was a woman who came in and introduced herself. She proceeded to ask what kind of testing we already had, if any. I had no idea until she told me that I was getting an ultrasound of my ovaries. She said this could tell them a lot about what to expect with me by the quality of them and if they acted "older" than they actually are.

I won't go into details about the how the ultrasound was done beings it was internal but the woman doing the testing reassured me that I had beautiful ovaries and lining. She proceeded to also tell me I had plenty of eggs. This was a relief because I had never had this test done. Back to the waiting room we went until again, we were brought back to our room. This time around, Dr Van Voorhis joined the female doctor (I feel terrible for not remembering her name). He mainly sat and listened while the other let us know the game plan.

Here is what we are expecting to do. First off, as I already knew, Robert and I are considered unknown infertility which hits 5% of couples. Without any help getting pregnant, we have a VERY small chance of getting pregnant on our own. With knowing this, we now know that we are prime candidates for IUI (Insemination) because all our testing have come back just fine. They also are going to put me on a higher dosage of clomid (UGH) to bring up the chances even higher. We are going to start as soon as NEXT month. How the U does this, is I take ovulation tests and the moment I get a "peak LH", we will have to go up to the U the next morning at 8am. It is about a four hour process and wa-la.. I am inseminated. For those of you that do not know what this truly means, I call it turkey basting (haha). A catheter bypasses my cervix and gets as close as possible to my fallopian tubes to give the swimmers a head start. We will try this for three months straight. If that does not work, well... IVF.  Fingers Crossed!!

As soon as we left, I told Robert "Oh my gosh, this could be happening finally" and followed it with "Holy crap can I handle ACTUALLY being pregnant?"  I had so many thoughts crossing my mind and poor Robert dealing with me. I feel emotional and hopefully but scared shitless. We are not pregnant (YET) but this could finally be our time. Robert and I also decided to be apart of two studies. One, we will actually be reimbursed and the second, we are just basically allowing our results and testing to be used in a database. When Dr. Van Voohis asked, we were more than willing because maybe offering ourselves to the study could help others down the road.

Less than a week...

You know, I hope one day I can look back on all these entries and get that feeling of “that was so long ago.” That we finally are blessed with a child. Rather naturally, surrogate, adoption, and so forth. With that being said, Monday is the big day of the first consultation with a specialist. Of course Robert is going to be attending with me as well. I am nervous, excited, at times just not interested, and full of crazy emotions.

Now, as I have time to think about it, I have been overwhelming myself with what to expect, what to ask, and how the appointment is supposed to go. I have it all planned out in my head as it is just a get to know each other appointment and not to expect much more than that. That means me being me, I will be well prepared with questions and comments. I will have them all written down and ready. I have no idea how these things work obviously.

I feel like with everything we have been through in Muscatine and their department, that I should not expect easy and quick answers. I don't want to feel the negativity I felt here. What I DO expect is to be cared about, bed side manner, not be on the back burner, and to feel like that my case is just as important as anyone else’s. Less than a week… and maybe, finally, fingers crossed, some answers in the very near future. 

Surrogacy

I had said this would be my next entry and to be honest I usually never write at home. But it just feels right. It was some thing I touched on briefly in the beginning of writing. I had said it was something that was not an option for many reasons. Reasons such as I was feeling like how could I handle Rob touching another woman’s belly? Not my belly when our child moved and kicked. Not having the connection with me that our child was growing inside of me? How could I even consider that!? Jealousy on a way different level of your significant other checking someone out and such. This was forming a bond with someone that could give him something I possibly could not. Then, the whole trusting another person to carry your baby for 9 months or so. Can you trust they are making the correct choices? Are they using drugs or alcohol? Will they continue to understand that this baby is not theirs to keep? Will they become annoyed that we may overwhelm them with questions or emotions?

With that being said, over 2.5 years in, those questions will always be there but I am realizing that if this an option, I think I could now handle it. I think Robert could now be willing to make this choice as well. I had a friend bring it up to me and I had a way different reaction to this then I would have two years ago. Now, I am a lot more open minded. I just have no idea how to go about it now. It can all be so overwhelming because it comes down to how badly do we want a child? Of course, easy answer. We do. But it almost is that feeling time is running out. The what ifs, the choices, and the judgement of what choice we do make. Judgement won’t be what distracts us, that is for sure. I do not have a friend or relative that would carry a baby for us which makes it a harder conversation. Trusting a stranger. It is a never ending battle of questions and stress. I just know that over time it has become more of a discussion as well. In a positive way. Being open minded and accepting, we have realized, is the way to go. 

Post Vacation

Well, here we are back to reality. Vacation was a nice get away from work, life, and responsibilities. Or at least, that what is suppose to be like, correct? I can say for the most part it was but of course we still end up having conversations about what we want for each other, with each other, and so forth. You know how they say when you stop trying, it will happen? Well I got news for ya, been there, done that. We have went away from schedules and meds already. We have tracked, we have tried. We have done the "old wise tales" suggestions. That brings this whole vacation scenario down to this: A choice of a childless life.

Ok, I know that I have touched base on this. But when those thoughts came about, we were very against even considering it. I knew it would come up again. I knew it would tug at my heart as well as my desires. This has been in a both positive and negative way. With that being said, we talked more about it on vacation. A more serious conversation about it. As we sit together looking over the ocean I asked yet again if this could be something he could do all his life. If he could be ok with living with just him and I. I know deep down Rob (as well as I) will always want a child, but I know on my personal level, I feel blessed even to have found a wonderful man. Of course, Rob is ok as long as he has me. He loved me first. 

We talked a little bit more about the benefits again and it seems we are accepting more and more that a child may not be part of our future. We are talking, instead of crying and isolating the conversation. Anyone who has dealt with infertility or never was able to have children know that you have to accept the reality of things. No matter how badly you may want something. You have to consider the other option, the option you would not choose if you had a choice. No, we do not plan on giving up and yes, we are going to the specialist next month. But at the same time, depending on what they say, we may just continue to not prevent the possibility and cross our fingers that one day I will get that positive pregnancy test. If it doesn’t happen, we can’t say we didn’t try. (so many negatives in that sentence!) Next blog, I want to talk about what we have thought about with a surrogate. 

Anxiety and Pregnancy

So, I have not written in a while partially because I have now been working full time along with evening activities, and we haven’t made it to the specialist yet. I was talking with a friend recently about pregnancy and child birth which brought up the subject of fears. Anyone who knows me knows I have some moderate and at times extreme anxiety. I have always had it but it heightened when my father passed away. Now, anyone who has it as well knows what we feel we know deep down is irrational but we can’t control it. I am realizing not even being pregnant, thinking about the fact I can’t have my meds for it my anxiety rises!

What if I have panic attacks the whole pregnancy? What if I can’t control any of it and it affects the baby and myself? How will I get through it without any sort of medication to calm me? I know many will say that I will be fine because I know I will be carrying a baby and have no choice but to control it. But, I have no idea! My anxiety is not social anxiety, group anxiety, but death anxiety. I know since it started I have it under way better control and have my techniques to deal with it when it is out of hand, but I also know I have my medication if I can’t control it. I am hoping meditation, yoga, and other natural remedies would get me through the long months. Or maybe I will be lucky and be someone that it levels out my anxiety! Imagine someone who worries their first pregnancy about every little thing and times it by 10. Oh Boy! Any mom's out there that know what I am talking about, would love some advice for when/if the day comes I get a positive pregnancy test:):)

I am going to go off subject here and bring up a natural way to help with infertility. I have been doing a lot of reading and found that some have went to the chiro for infertility. Something as simple as their pelvic area is tilted and the adjustments helped correct it. Or better yet helps with the blood flow of the reproductive system. Even the nervous system and automatic nervous system. As we start our journey with a specialist, I am also going to bring this up with my chiro. Why not? Can’t hurt! Count down to the specialist.. month and half. 

University of Iowa

So, it has been a while since I have written anything down when it comes to infertility. On a positive note, things have improved emotionally. On a negative note, my current facility messed up yet again and seems they don’t even care. Which means we are moving on to the University of Iowa Women’s Health facility. I can’t handle the lack of attention and support where I currently am.

This choice came with the fact that we are fed up as well as I was offered full time at my place of employment. With that being said, my place of employment offers amazing health insurance that covers up to $15k for infertility treatments! Feels amazing to see a break in the dark clouds for some sunlight to come through. Without coverage for infertility treatment, U of I wanted $250 just to go up and talk with them. Ouch! But, now we can use my insurance! I am so excited to be able to go to a place with such a wonderful reputation and gives me that hope back I have been lacking. 

The husband and I plan on taking a week vacation to Myrtle Beach. One, because we can, and two, because we never took much of a honeymoon! Shall be relaxing as well as  fun. I have decided that my appointment will soon follow our vacation. I am no longer in such a hurry because I am trying to find ways to accept what I can't control. November it is! I can’t wait to move forward and hope for the best. Hopefully all this good news keeps coming because it feels wonderful not to cry or be angry all the time. Wish us luck!