Surrogacy

I had said this would be my next entry and to be honest I usually never write at home. But it just feels right. It was some thing I touched on briefly in the beginning of writing. I had said it was something that was not an option for many reasons. Reasons such as I was feeling like how could I handle Rob touching another woman’s belly? Not my belly when our child moved and kicked. Not having the connection with me that our child was growing inside of me? How could I even consider that!? Jealousy on a way different level of your significant other checking someone out and such. This was forming a bond with someone that could give him something I possibly could not. Then, the whole trusting another person to carry your baby for 9 months or so. Can you trust they are making the correct choices? Are they using drugs or alcohol? Will they continue to understand that this baby is not theirs to keep? Will they become annoyed that we may overwhelm them with questions or emotions?

With that being said, over 2.5 years in, those questions will always be there but I am realizing that if this an option, I think I could now handle it. I think Robert could now be willing to make this choice as well. I had a friend bring it up to me and I had a way different reaction to this then I would have two years ago. Now, I am a lot more open minded. I just have no idea how to go about it now. It can all be so overwhelming because it comes down to how badly do we want a child? Of course, easy answer. We do. But it almost is that feeling time is running out. The what ifs, the choices, and the judgement of what choice we do make. Judgement won’t be what distracts us, that is for sure. I do not have a friend or relative that would carry a baby for us which makes it a harder conversation. Trusting a stranger. It is a never ending battle of questions and stress. I just know that over time it has become more of a discussion as well. In a positive way. Being open minded and accepting, we have realized, is the way to go. 

Post Vacation

Well, here we are back to reality. Vacation was a nice get away from work, life, and responsibilities. Or at least, that what is suppose to be like, correct? I can say for the most part it was but of course we still end up having conversations about what we want for each other, with each other, and so forth. You know how they say when you stop trying, it will happen? Well I got news for ya, been there, done that. We have went away from schedules and meds already. We have tracked, we have tried. We have done the "old wise tales" suggestions. That brings this whole vacation scenario down to this: A choice of a childless life.

Ok, I know that I have touched base on this. But when those thoughts came about, we were very against even considering it. I knew it would come up again. I knew it would tug at my heart as well as my desires. This has been in a both positive and negative way. With that being said, we talked more about it on vacation. A more serious conversation about it. As we sit together looking over the ocean I asked yet again if this could be something he could do all his life. If he could be ok with living with just him and I. I know deep down Rob (as well as I) will always want a child, but I know on my personal level, I feel blessed even to have found a wonderful man. Of course, Rob is ok as long as he has me. He loved me first. 

We talked a little bit more about the benefits again and it seems we are accepting more and more that a child may not be part of our future. We are talking, instead of crying and isolating the conversation. Anyone who has dealt with infertility or never was able to have children know that you have to accept the reality of things. No matter how badly you may want something. You have to consider the other option, the option you would not choose if you had a choice. No, we do not plan on giving up and yes, we are going to the specialist next month. But at the same time, depending on what they say, we may just continue to not prevent the possibility and cross our fingers that one day I will get that positive pregnancy test. If it doesn’t happen, we can’t say we didn’t try. (so many negatives in that sentence!) Next blog, I want to talk about what we have thought about with a surrogate. 

Anxiety and Pregnancy

So, I have not written in a while partially because I have now been working full time along with evening activities, and we haven’t made it to the specialist yet. I was talking with a friend recently about pregnancy and child birth which brought up the subject of fears. Anyone who knows me knows I have some moderate and at times extreme anxiety. I have always had it but it heightened when my father passed away. Now, anyone who has it as well knows what we feel we know deep down is irrational but we can’t control it. I am realizing not even being pregnant, thinking about the fact I can’t have my meds for it my anxiety rises!

What if I have panic attacks the whole pregnancy? What if I can’t control any of it and it affects the baby and myself? How will I get through it without any sort of medication to calm me? I know many will say that I will be fine because I know I will be carrying a baby and have no choice but to control it. But, I have no idea! My anxiety is not social anxiety, group anxiety, but death anxiety. I know since it started I have it under way better control and have my techniques to deal with it when it is out of hand, but I also know I have my medication if I can’t control it. I am hoping meditation, yoga, and other natural remedies would get me through the long months. Or maybe I will be lucky and be someone that it levels out my anxiety! Imagine someone who worries their first pregnancy about every little thing and times it by 10. Oh Boy! Any mom's out there that know what I am talking about, would love some advice for when/if the day comes I get a positive pregnancy test:):)

I am going to go off subject here and bring up a natural way to help with infertility. I have been doing a lot of reading and found that some have went to the chiro for infertility. Something as simple as their pelvic area is tilted and the adjustments helped correct it. Or better yet helps with the blood flow of the reproductive system. Even the nervous system and automatic nervous system. As we start our journey with a specialist, I am also going to bring this up with my chiro. Why not? Can’t hurt! Count down to the specialist.. month and half. 

University of Iowa

So, it has been a while since I have written anything down when it comes to infertility. On a positive note, things have improved emotionally. On a negative note, my current facility messed up yet again and seems they don’t even care. Which means we are moving on to the University of Iowa Women’s Health facility. I can’t handle the lack of attention and support where I currently am.

This choice came with the fact that we are fed up as well as I was offered full time at my place of employment. With that being said, my place of employment offers amazing health insurance that covers up to $15k for infertility treatments! Feels amazing to see a break in the dark clouds for some sunlight to come through. Without coverage for infertility treatment, U of I wanted $250 just to go up and talk with them. Ouch! But, now we can use my insurance! I am so excited to be able to go to a place with such a wonderful reputation and gives me that hope back I have been lacking. 

The husband and I plan on taking a week vacation to Myrtle Beach. One, because we can, and two, because we never took much of a honeymoon! Shall be relaxing as well as  fun. I have decided that my appointment will soon follow our vacation. I am no longer in such a hurry because I am trying to find ways to accept what I can't control. November it is! I can’t wait to move forward and hope for the best. Hopefully all this good news keeps coming because it feels wonderful not to cry or be angry all the time. Wish us luck!

The Clothes

So, this past Sunday was my niece's 6th birthday party. I thought what better gift to get her than a pretty dress because this girl thinks shes a princess. :) We had already ran some errands and our last two stops was to get her a dress at Younkers and then stop and pick her cake up from Hy-vee. All this for my niece. I couldn't help but dream that it was for my little one!

Anyways, we are walking around Younkers and pass the itty bitty baby clothes. I grabbed one and just held it looking at it. I told Robert ohh I want a baby of my own soooo bad. I started to look through the baby clothes just thinking one day it will be for real. We finally make it to the dresses and go ahead and find a dress I know Loralyn will absolutely love. What princess doesn't love dresses! We make our way to the store for her cake. I just look at it and smile. Of course she picked frozen.

Unfortunately, her parents were going to be late to the party for an unforeseen situation. That means we are in charge. So, Grandma decides we are going to give her the presents EARLY! Man was she estatic. I couldn't wait to see her face when she opened up that dress. She loved it so much. The feel, the look, and the fact that she could put it on RIGHT NOW.

So to the point of this, I loved being able to help out with the party in a way that I know would be like throwing a party for my own child. I loved her face when she opened that dress. I loved the fact we helped make her birthday special even if things had come up. I loved looking at the baby clothes. I do have to ask though.... What if I bought a cute little baby outfit without even being pregnant? Does that show hope? Does it lead to disappointment? Or does it mean that I know in my heart one way or another, I will have a child? Maybe in the end, I can put that little outfit on my own baby and be so happy that I had bought it either way.

The Child Free Life Option

This is a controversial subject for sure. I’ll start with that my anxiety and insomnia has worsened in the past weeks. I am not sure if it is part of the clomid or just the stress of trying to make choices regarding our infertility options. Then add on daily life in general and boom, the brain won’t stop. Well, what I am about to bring up is not something that has really been discusses but when you think of options, this is one of them. A child free life.

I have been reading about infertility for a while now and I have seen this option pointed out but never really thought about it. Because, as usual, I have the no way am I not going to have a child mindset. So, lets list out some benefits of the child free life.

• Traveling and seeing the world
• Spending is less restrictive
• Career Changes
• Back to school
• Spontaneous activities
• Moving to a new location
• None of the stresses that parenting can cause
• And more

I will say that I do want to travel, take classes, maybe a career change, and even just the fact I am so in love with my husband that having him to myself is always awesome. This decision would be a huge one and there are quite the negatives as well. Which we all know what they would be because they are pretty straight forward. Carrying a child, giving birth, watching them grow, and so forth. I know we both have to keep in mind all the options available and the ones that aren’t possible as well. Currently, a child free life is not something that we want. But, we also are still at the beginning of the options of actually having a child. There is still hope. Am I saying this is not something we will discuss if it comes down to it? No. Open-mindedness is something to consider always.

Facilities

If anyone has seen my recent experiences with my current facility, you will know I am frustrated, upset, angry, and disappointed. I have reached out on Facebook for suggestions on doctors and/or a different facility. I feel as if my infertility isn't important enough to keep up with the consistent tests needed and commitment with the current place I go to. I am not wanting to bash the place because I like my doctor and my normal family doctor is amazing. But, infertility is not a joke. It is not something that should be overlooked and then have a crappy apology and still not take the blame for the situation. I was so upset on Saturday when I was suppose to go in and have blood drawn to see if I ovulated. Well, low and behold the person did not put in the order for my blood draw. Robert definitely was not happy about the situation. Mind you, a year ago during our first round of clomid there was a lot of inconsistency with them scheduling our testing as well. You can imagine what he had to say and that he had a lot of thoughts on the situation.

I called first thing this morning and waited for the nurse to call back. I think what was the most upsetting part of this whole ordeal is to get the response of "for whatever reason you missed your labs," or "it is only to tell you if you ovulated so it is ok to skip beings we missed your window." WTF! I missed my labs because YOU did not schedule my work up 20 days ago when you said you were going to. And to get this straight, IT IS A BIG DEAL to Robert and I. Our health insurance does  not cover infertility so we pay out of pocket for the Clomid and anything related. So, no its not ok. It is far from ok. It drags me into a spiral of emotion. We pay for services that have just been so unorganized and finally, disappointing. I did not want to leave my doctor but upon further discussion, we feel if we want to be treated like we matter and possibly have a baby one day, we need to move on from our current facility. It is not something I want to be slacked on. I want consistency, caring, respect, and answers. A specialist may be where we head or to an OB/GYN unit that is more informed with our situation. I want our case to be treated like we deserve. How anyone who would expect to be treated.