Hello Again!

Extra --- We ordered ovulation tests. Yes, we had made a decision before to not have a baby. BUT, I finally realized that was out of fear. Needing infertility treatment again. But watching Zoey lately, I realized I do not want to call it quits just yet.

So who's ready to follow this journey once again!? What makes it a little more difficult is not having insurance that covers any of the process. With Zoey, my place of employment at the time covered my procedures. Now, nothing.

Wish us luck <3

Baby # 2

So, Robert and I are officially not taking any precautions to prevent pregnancy. Go us! My theory is that it took over 3 years to conceive Zoey, so why not just see what happens now without infertility treatment.

This past month I took an ovulation test for shits and giggles; it was positive. So, we did the dirty (LMAO). Well, it was a no go so now my anxieties and fears are sneaking up on me that we aren't going to be one of those lucky couples who have no issues after the first. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy that we have Zoey and if we do not have another, so be it.

My next question to myself, do we go through treatment again? 1. My insurance is no longer with Stanley so that means no assistance with the infertility journey. 2. The honestly difficult aspects in GENERAL.

I would love for our little sassy pants to have a sibling. Lots of questions going through my head, anxieties, doubts, hope. All over again it seems. But, we have one, it proves to be possible to have more! Chin up buttercup!

I said this was the end for now.....and we are back!

The End... For Now.

This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine… Here we go.  A long blog because at this very moment, this will be the last for a while. Because I have received what I have always dreamed of. A sweet baby, a sweet baby girl named Zoey Mae. I have been wondering where to start on this entry because there is so much to say. So where I am going to start is the fact that our miracle baby is my world. She has brightened our lives so MUCH! Rather me, daddy, or the aunts and grandpa/grandmas. We are blessed with the fact she is a wonderful baby as well. She already sleeps through the night and is very alert. We couldn’t ask for a better daughter.

When I went into labor, I had no idea what was happening because she’s my first. It was her aunt Jessica’s birthday and we were having dinner at Grandma and Grandpa Motley’s. I was feeling what I thought was “Poop pains.” LOL. I then was telling an old friend about it and she told me to start timing them. I set my timer and went to go use the restroom. The toilet was then covered with blood. Not your normal mucous plug blood. Gushing. I called up to the U and could barely talk because I was crying so much. Then we headed up. By time we go to the hospital my contractions were 3 mins apart.  We got settled in and the doctors said we are going to check your cervix as well as make sure baby and me were ok. I was dilated to about 7 and a ½! They giggled and had said there was a bet going I wasn’t in labor. Well, I was in labor! Fast forward to an epidural at 8cm and pushing miss Zoey out. 18 pushes and she was out. Just over 6 hours of labor. 5lbs 15oz! Because I was 39 weeks 1 day, I was considered full term. So, when the pediatrician came in and let Robert and I know that they wanted to do a scan of her brain as well as a DNA work up, I cried. Thinking what is wrong with my beautiful baby. Thank God, both came back normal.

I went to the store with my mom and she said that it is still so weird to see me with a baby. I can’t help but agree that days I still find it different yet amazing that I can say this is my daughter, my world. She has already taught me so much in the past almost 3 months. Patience, even more of an unconditional love, as well as functioning with very little sleep! Zoey Mae is at the cooing part of life and smiling when she wants to, not just when she poops. All I do is smile at her. Grandpa’s have her spoiled with talking to her all the time when they are here. Her aunt Amy and Jess love to snuggle and love on her. We have an amazing God Mother we have chosen which we also consider an aunt, aunt Michelle. We also have so many that love her unconditionally and I wouldn’t have it any other way. The list can go on and on. Brett, Josh, Bryon, Mikala, Rachel, Richard, Ally and Lisa,  Michelle M, hannah, Anne, family (all her cousins), so many more because the list would go on and on! This is just the small list of love my daughter is shown.

One very special person is Kaitlyn. When she comes home from college, a lot of her time is spent loving Zoey. Zoey absolutely loves when Kait sings to her. Kaitlyn has so much love for her family that it amazes me how much Zoey receives from her. And going off subject, Kaitlyn wishes to be like me when she grows up. I tell her she can do better! She is an amazing niece, daughter, granddaughter, and sister.

This brings me to family and regrets. I never share too much about my regrets when it comes to my father. I have finally forgiven the fact of my selfishness when he was dying. I made choices that I wish I hadn’t and should’ve spent more time with him. Having Zoey, I spend so much more time with my family and I do not take them for granted. Death happens. Everyone has their own experiences and heartbreaks when it comes to death. I have cried a few times over some current family “issues” as well as wishing my dad could meet my daughter. But, I will say that my step father is one hell of a grandpa to her. It isn’t blood that makes you family only, it is love and heart. Zoey LOVES grandpa Bruce so much. And he treats her no difference than any of his other grandchildren.

Being a parent is a challenge, because I know I am going to always worry. Always want to protect her from the pain of life. I wake up as any other mom or dad and check on her. Poke her to make her move and makes sure she is breathing. I go back to work in a week. I have mixed feelings because I want to go back for interaction yet thinking about leaving Zoey brings me to tears. Mother’s should get the first full year off paid but that is definitely not an option in this day and age at this point.

I do have to dedicate one paragraph to the most amazing man in my life. Robert Lee. I am truly blessed. He is an involved father. Gets up in the middle of the night to feed Zoey. He lets me go do things when I need the space from home and he also hasn’t said one word about my spending! His daughter has him wrapped around her finger already. She loves when he sings Night Moves to her as well as playing with her cheeks. The way he looks at her just makes me know that he will always be her protector. Funny thing is, I was told our marriage would change and we wouldn’t have time for each other as well as possibly argue a lot more. It hasn’t. If anything, we are even more intimate rather in the sheets or just our conversations. I am blessed when it comes to my marriage and family. We aren’t just a “show.” We are what you see.

I am thankful for all that has followed my blog. The support and love. But, I have expressed that many times. Who would have thought a year ago we were seeing doctors at the U and now have a beautiful little girl in our arms! I could continue to write all night about what motherhood has been so far but I will save that for another time. The next chapter of our life has begun, Miss Zoey Mae Motley. Thank you all for the love you have shown. And for those that have asked, we are not sure if we are going to try for baby Motley #2.

Can You Believe It?

Well I sure in the heck can't! We go from over 3 years of praying and testing and such just to try and conceive. We go through drama with the Muscatine office of forgetting to put in my blood draws and call in my medications. We switch to Iowa City and BOOM -- Zoey is conceived. I always tell Robert I blame him and the nurse for 70% of the pregnancy and me only 30% as it was him and the Nurse who did all the work! It is a funny joke between us.

I am officially 2 weeks from my due date and couldn't be more excited/nervous/impatient and more. It, at times, does feel surreal. I do feel like I have been pregnant FOREVER beings we found out we were pregnant before most couples do. I want a BEER! But most of all, I want to meet his little baby girl that has been kicking my ass for the past 9 months and even more so the last few weeks. I will be honest, I try not to complain because we wanted this so badly but I am understanding why women can't wait to be done towards the end. I am a heifer and pretty miserable lately but I would do it all over again!

Labor-- Man I am so scared. I am sure I have the same fears of any first time mother but some of them include complications that something will happen to one of us or both. My anxiety does not help what so ever! (Which I can say I have controlled extremely well through these months without meds) I wouldn't mind if some would share some of their experiences or even advice of what to expect and such. Epidurals? I am not against myself getting one but I also want to push myself to deal with the pain.

Our birthing plan is that Robert and I will be the only ones in the room. We will get up to the hospital, and if we are staying until Zoey is born, than we will call/text immediate family/friends. The one thing that we have decided is the waiting room will be our Families best friend! With all my anxiety and being a first timer, we have decided as well that nobody will be in the room beforehand. Don't get me wrong, I may get all freaked out and want my Mommy or my sister. I can't promise it will go as planned. Our original plan was to tell nobody until after her birth but decided if our requests can be respected, we can change them :) It is Robert's parent's first grand baby and sister's first niece. It is a big deal to my mom beings I am her baby and having a baby! So, probably shouldn't be completely selfish right?

I figure this is my last blog post until after she is born and then I get to share all my fears and screw ups :) as well as the successes. I am truly exhausted and ready for her to come so we have been reading old wise tales to try to coax her out! But, with all we have been through, we figure we will end up past our due date and induced! We are so excited the time is almost here. Thank you ALL for always supporting us and following our journey of infertility. Life is about to change dramatically for us.

Birth Control.. Thoughts..

So, Baby Girl is due in only at most 11 weeks. Holy Moly :) I brought up a conversation to Robert about birth control. We have some questions that have come up but also so decisions to make. I know people have heard of someone with infertility having one child and all of a sudden a fertile myrtle. and vice versa. My thoughts are that if I can get pregnant without the fertility drugs and the IUI, well bring it on! Does that mean I do not get on birth control as soon as the baby is born? Just let nature take its course and possibly end up pregnant right away?

Or do I get on birth control and chance the possibility of it throwing my body back to exactly where it was? I think, well do I want a baby right away again if it were to happen? But, do I want to take the chance away that it could happen naturally? There are so many what ifs as well as the fact that you should really give your body a rest. We plan on only having two children so if they are close together, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. As I say this, my sister's two boys cross my mind that are under a year apart and drive her insane and fight like cats and dogs... Not to mention, having my body back and being able to do more.

What to do? What to do? I am honestly leaning towards the no birth control aspect because there is a larger possibility we still can't get pregnant on our own and why put anything into my body? Plus, there are more less invasive ways to prevent babies.. condoms and such. I am sure my doctor will have the same scenarios brought up and still leave it up to us. Any thoughts?

Quick update on the pregnancy: Had to be seen last week and monitored due to spotting and contractions. No dilation which is great. But, to be on the safe side, we did steriod shots for her lungs to develop quicker. She will be here before we know it and I become more nervous each day :)

Unexpected University Visit

Well, things have taken another twist for baby girl, Robert and I. The past week or so have been pretty stressful outside of the pregnancy so when I started bleeding yesterday I thought nothing of it as it's happened so many other times. It had been a while though and I hadn't had a normal reason behind it. I called up and beings I'm in the middle of the second trimester, they wanted to do an ultrasound.  Robert dropped me off at the door and went to park. They called me back before he got upstairs which usually the ultrasound is nice and quick. This time she couldn't see my cervix well enough so she did a transvaginal. They were very quiet and pushing on my belly. All of a sudden she asks if I can stay put because she needed to grab the what i we found out was a high risk doctor. Heart starts racing and all I wish is I could reach my phone to get Robert. I knew something must be wrong. She came back in and explained that my cervix had shortened significantly. Explained the risks and the procedures and prevention, etc. It took all I could to not start crying for Robert. They let me get dressed and I went to the waiting room and started crying. Explained to Robert the situation at hand.

We waited for about 35 mins to see the OB.  Long wait. Let me tell ya... this was not our normal OB. What she explained was so difficult to hear. My cervix has shortened from 37mm to 14mm within a ten day period. I am only 21 weeks. I need to try to make it to 28 weeks but of course a lot further. I asked what could have caused this and the hematoma could be to blame but also just the luck of the draw. I'm at risk for preterm labor.  Everything was just a blur and overwhelming. I have to do  progesterone suppositories until she either comes or 38 weeks and of course minimal stress and activities need to be mild. At 23 weeks we will do steriod shots for her lungs to develop quicker. I can say I know it will be ok but I won't. I'm very scared. Emotional. I can feel so much pressure on my cervix but she also is head down. I have to go back in 2 weeks to see if it has shortened any more. I WILL say that we are at the right hospital if she were to come early. Prayers are appreciated and just positive vibes. Can't seem to catch a break huh? My thought is took us over 3 years to get here, why get any easier? She is a miracle either way. Isn't she just beautiful!

A Word About National Infertility Awareness Week

With this week being the National Infertility Awareness Week I thought I would post. It is going to be short and sweet because you all know my story, and if you don’t, you can back track on the blog J. We found out we are having a little girl and we couldn’t be more excited. Finally, a gender instead of “the baby.” No matter if I have bad days or scary days, I love being pregnant. I want to take a moment to appreciate the fact that I am pregnant and half way through. To thank everyone who has been supportive and to the University of Iowa for their amazing care. We would not be where we are today without the staff and Reproductive Endocrinology department. They truly care about the outcome as well as so informative and honest. To all my family and friends who have been along for the ride, thank you. We also could not have done it without you. 

To those suffering and dealing with infertility, please don’t give up. I personally know that is easier said than done. I promise you, that in the end, no matter the result, you will find happiness. It can take years of course. To be honest, we were starting to accept our fate of not experiencing pregnancy. What else can you do? Please don’t hesitate to talk about your situation. There are so many that deal with this and keep quiet. This is not something you should be ashamed of or keep bottled up. Speak out! Seek support! Don’t fight alone. I would never have made it emotionally without many people in my life letting me cry on their shoulder and listening. So, here is to #NIAW. I never wanted to be apart of it but I wouldn't change our path from where we are! 

What Can I Say?

I named this blog the Open Book Struggles of Infertility because I wanted to others not to be scared to talk about what they are going through when it comes to infertility. It is so terrible. I have people around me that still are fighting with infertility but my belief is keep the faith. I lost faith completely. With this IUI, I did not get my hopes up. I thought I had pissed God off and was being punished. Robert didn't believe in that. He ALWAYS believed we would be where we are today. I still believe that infertility should be an open book for others to talk about if they feel comfortable to. I have had SO many questions about the procedure, what is causing our infertility, etc. Putting yourself out there doesn't give you much privacy but I also found a lot of support in doing so.

 I can say this at least, I am still in awe. I have not written in a while because of that exact reason. I am 16 weeks pregnant today and I STILL can't believe it most of the time. I also feel so many emotions with the fact of how long it took to get here and that things can change in an instant. I fear the worst all the time which is exhausting. Anxiety for sure does not help that at all.

All of a sudden, I feel like my baby bump is no longer a fat bump. It is so crazy! Thanks to a friend, I can hear the heartbeat whenever I want. That is a beautiful gift for sure.

I still bleed and it just feels normal anymore. I am guessing with the fact that I have the doppler it definitely eases the mind when the bleeding incidents happen. Doctor still has no reasons behind it but said it obviously isn't a problem because my little baby cru is growing fast!

Robert, of course, is over protective of me. Doesn't want me over doing it and such. I love that he is that way, makes me know he will be even more protective over the baby. We get to find out the gender on April 21st! I  CANT WAIT! I am sure it will go fast. I have to say that my pregnancy has been blessed with mild symptoms. I think the worst would be fatigue. I am always so tired but so many women have it much worse. I love being pregnant for the most part!  I miss my beer ;)

The Journey So Far...Scares & All

As some of you know, this has been a bumpy ride thus far. We have had FIVE ultrasounds as of today and we are just over ten weeks pregnant. I have dealt with some scares with a SCH (Subchorionic Hematoma) that can cause miscarriage. It had started weeks ago and had mostly resolved itself. Then in that same week, my pants were saturated in blood. We ended up in the ER and then at the U the following Monday. Muscatine was not equipped to deal with the situation at hand. We did the ultrasound at the U and my RE doc basically said the truth. He said that we are either going to miscarry or this will resolve. I was at the point of accepting the news and also praying for the better outcome. Nothing scarier than your pants being soaked in bright red blood so hearing this prognosis, I was ready. After the appointment, I promised myself to take it easy and not over do anything to hopefully help my body heal.

Now, skipping forward to today. I hadn't had any gushing since that weekend which was a week and a half ago but doesn't mean I wasn't nervous as hell. I actually finally had an external ultrasound! The Ultrasound Tech asked if I was going for a record of most ultrasounds in only ten weeks. All I could think is, I would trade them for a healthy pregnancy in a heartbeat. Speaking of heartbeats, we heard the heartbeat for the first time today. And omg... Something I will never forget. The baby moving its small little arms and legs along with that strong heartbeat. I am instantly in love. I was very happy my Mother-In-Law was there to experience this as well with us. Along with hearing the heartbeat, NO MORE HEMATOMA! I am hoping it stays that way. The RE doc said that he hopes not to see me again this pregnancy :) I feel so relieved but I am so scared to feel relieved then something happen again. I am guessing that is a normal feeling in pregnancy definitely with all of our issues and infertility. I do feel like now I can start looking to the future and get excited to find out the gender. Decide on names, colors, decorations, baby shower, and diaper party! As always, thank you to all who have kept us in your thoughts, prayers, positive vibes, and all!

Cake..Eat it too..... PUKE

So, the symptoms have finally set in. I couldn't be more thankful but doesn't mean the symptoms are fun! Got your normal constipation, nausea, vomiting, fatigue, and oh my favorite, sore nipples/boobs. LOL Anyways, everyone knows how I am with my cooking and food. Well, pregnancy has definitely put a damper on that one! It can be cake, donuts, steak, chili, chinese, pretty much anything and within an hour I feel sick to my stomach which results in either puking or complaining to the husband. ( I bet he doesn't realize what he signed up for! )

Which, to bring him up brings up the whole boobs. There is a blinking red sign that says to my husband, "Touch my boobs, I throat punch you." Poor guy. I constantly blame him for everything from knocking me up to the Xbox controller being dead. (In my defense, he is the majority user of the Xbox downstairs) He keeps LAUGHING at me though! Gosh, I love this guy. Hormones are definitely dangerous for him. He should be careful.

Fat. Oh, do I just appear like I am gaining weight because whatever food I want, I eat and it definitely does not appear that I am pregnant. Give it a few months and hopefully I won't be mistaken for a starving cow anymore. Kind of like my Grandma pointing out (mind you, shes 80 and forgetful), that I need to watch my weight because it appears I have put some on. She doesn't sugarcoat SHIT! I force a smile and tell her well grandma I am pregnant.  Her response..... Doesn't mean you need to gain 40 lbs! *Shaking my head* I think the main thing everyone around me wants to do is just mess with the hormonal, starving, fat, pregnant lady. ;)

The point of this post is to giggle at all that I wished for and then also be thankful for it all. Am I going to complain? Well, I am a woman so that is inevitable. But never mistake my complaining for not being the most thankful I have ever been in my life to have a beating heart in my uterus. I smile most of the day due to the little strawberry sized baby growing inside of me.

Holy Shit Batman!

So, I know my last blog stated that I got a negative pregnancy test. Well, I can tell you that was not a lie. But I did leave out a tiny little detail. January 2^nd – four days after the negative – I took another test because it was two weeks following the IUI. As I was brushing my teeth waiting for the results, all that I thought was there would be another negative and thinking about what my day was going to consist of. I looked down and BAM! It said Yes!! I about screamed. I rinsed my mouth and ran to Robert. He was doing his leg massager and I kept saying babe, look. He turns and looks at the test. His exact response was “You’re Fucking Kidding Me.” LOL No, Babe I am not kidding you.

At this point my head was spinning with disbelief. And I was in shock. Honestly, that shock held on to me for days!! We let our immediate family know the news and they were all so happy for us. 

Well, we were going to wait longer to let the cat out of the bag, but hiding this is harder than I ever imagined. Especially waiting three years for a positive pregnancy test and wanting to shout to the world “I am pregnant!!” I had to do some blood draws because of spotting which did turn out with the results they wanted. We also have had some issues arise that had me asking for prayers. We had a really big scare and was seen at the U right away. I had a significant amount of bleeding and I was terrified. It was the longest drive to the U of my life. But, as I lay there doing the ultrasound, the heartbeat is pointed out. Tears slid down my cheeks with relief. And it was like, yup this is real. I know it is early and anything can happen but here we are, Pregnant. 

Update

I know everyone has been curious to know what has been going on, if I am pregnant, etc.  Well, I am looking to be able to go up to Iowa City for a second time around January 23rd (My prediction). Fingers are crossed, hope is there, and we are trucking on through with all that we are dealing with. I love the overwhelming support and prayers. Don't for once second think they are not appreciated! Any sort of positive vibe is always helpful rather it makes me smile or just hopeful God is listening.

I took a pregnancy test on December 30th, and unfortunately it was negative. I was not ready to share the information or even blog because I was sad. But, the hope is not gone. Per my nurse and specialist, I have been eating different, cut out the drinking (UGH double edge sword), and light exercise and yoga. Anything, big or little, we are complying with. We are hoping for the best outcome this month! Please still keep us in your thoughts/prayers/positive vibes :)

The Procedure Details (PG13)

Alright. Our first PROCEDURE IUI! Ahh! I can't even describe it completely and what I am feeling. Mainly excitement.

It started with a depressing negative after negative ovulation test. if you know anything about cycles, there are "normal" ovulation days. I was on day 18 yesterday when I got the positive which is somewhat later but clomid can have that affect. I ran out of the bathroom and showed Rob. Then I proceeded to yell! Followed by a massive amount of shaking and tears. Of happiness and anxiety. It was that relieving. And the amount of support has just been AMAZING. The ones that reach out have made this so much easier to go through.

On that note, we went to Iowa City this morning. We got there at 8:15a and the first step is getting Robert's boys ready. That is what took the longest. It took them 1 hour 45 mins to have them ready which was nerve racking for me and then ASAP they get me set up in a room and boom!IUI takes places. That simple! They did mention that his boys are above average and that helps the situation. Go Rob! I have to admit the procedure was uncomfortable and I had some pain. But it is worth it in the end if  this is what it takes to have a baby!

The hardest part I believe is going to be waiting for two weeks to see if my period comes or a positive pregnancy test. Tears of joy or tears of sadness. I am going to go with hope. Hope and happiness. Thank you all again for the prayers and positive vibes. Maybe a Christmas Miracle!?

Nerves... of (not) steel

Ok, writing has become my therapy. It has been helpful. I have become SO anxious over the last few days that the count down is on for our first IUI. It could happen as early as MONDAY! I have all day to sit at work and think about the procedure and outcomes. The positive, the negative. HOW to handle it all has been the challenge. I have been practicing other ways to handle my anxiety without my xanax. Beings I can't take it pregnant, best start now right?

I do breathing techniques through out the day. I write. I run when I feel like I need to burn some extra energy. Then I get to thinking about what if I get a positive pregnancy test soon? Will I have a panic attack? Will I be able to go 9 months without my medication? * I mean there is no choice in that * The headaches with clomid just suck ass. Tylenol/Ibuprofen piggy backed and then of course trying to relax some. Thank gawd today is the last dose for the month.

Then, I start thinking about all the people who deal with anxiety and have been pregnant. They have found a way through it and now have a child. I also start to think about all the support that I have had through this journey as of lately. I may not have you all to just message when I need to talk or hang out. But knowing that my story has been inspirational to others and also the words of support and love has been more than helpful. Robert has been nothing but supportive of helping me with my anxiety. He knows that if this does not work out with us being pregnant, that he will be my rock and hold me up when it gets too much to handle.

With that being said, lets get this party started. Again, thank you to all who have reached out, commented, read and prayed for the outcome we as well are hoping for. So much for nerves of steel huh? Ah, I feel a little bit better now.

The Emotional Struggles are Real

Ok. SO I might be freaking out on and off since our doctor’s appointment. LOL I just am having all these emotions about what if and more. I keep thinking if this works how will I react beings it has been SO long. I have to admit, I am scared. I am scared that it may not work and we are at the end of trying to conceive our own baby. I am scared that I will become pregnant and not know how to do it. 

There are so many fears flying through me at this very moment. I am mostly scared that it won’t work though. I have had some break downs with tears of anxiety and excitement. But then I try to calm myself down because if it has been this long what makes me think that it is going to work now? I am trying to keep my hope at a realistic level if that makes sense. I feel like I have nobody that understands right now what I am going through that I can just talk to freely and have someone relate. I can’t handle the “it will happen when it happens” or the “quit trying and it will happen” because if that were the case, it would not be over 2.5 years. I want to share my fears.

 I know I have friends that are available and do not want those friends to think I can’t talk to them. It is just difficult. There are friends and acquaintances that have been down the road of infertility with positive outcomes which should give me hope. I am unfortunately isolating myself with this. So, I write.

 In a few weeks the IUI will take place and who knows, a month from now I could get a positive pregnancy test. Thinking about it has consumed a lot of my thoughts lately. I will be posting updates about the process and of course, the results. Rather a positive or negative result. 

The Upcoming Journey..

The best choice Robert and I could have made was to move our doctors appointments to the University of Iowa. I was SO nervous yesterday and did not know what to expect. Well, it was so great. We did not feel uncomfortable and it was way more than I ever thought it would be for the first appointment. I had assumed it was just going to be a whole bunch of questions and then schedule for the next step. That is not at at all what happened. They were to the point and gave me the most hope I have felt in a long time.

As everyone knows, finding your way around the University is not all too easy. We parked in ramp 4 (thanks to a friend explaining where to park and go) and made our way to the Women's Health department. By this point, I am feeling so much anxiety that I almost needed Robert to get my anxiety meds. But I decided that this was the good anxiety and dealt with it med free. The check in was simple because I was one of the few who did my questionnaires and such online. We were then directed to the waiting room.

The nurse comes and takes us to our room where we answer some questions like any other appointment and wait for the doctor. Mind you, I thought I was seeing Dr. Bradley Van Voorhis. This was a woman who came in and introduced herself. She proceeded to ask what kind of testing we already had, if any. I had no idea until she told me that I was getting an ultrasound of my ovaries. She said this could tell them a lot about what to expect with me by the quality of them and if they acted "older" than they actually are.

I won't go into details about the how the ultrasound was done beings it was internal but the woman doing the testing reassured me that I had beautiful ovaries and lining. She proceeded to also tell me I had plenty of eggs. This was a relief because I had never had this test done. Back to the waiting room we went until again, we were brought back to our room. This time around, Dr Van Voorhis joined the female doctor (I feel terrible for not remembering her name). He mainly sat and listened while the other let us know the game plan.

Here is what we are expecting to do. First off, as I already knew, Robert and I are considered unknown infertility which hits 5% of couples. Without any help getting pregnant, we have a VERY small chance of getting pregnant on our own. With knowing this, we now know that we are prime candidates for IUI (Insemination) because all our testing have come back just fine. They also are going to put me on a higher dosage of clomid (UGH) to bring up the chances even higher. We are going to start as soon as NEXT month. How the U does this, is I take ovulation tests and the moment I get a "peak LH", we will have to go up to the U the next morning at 8am. It is about a four hour process and wa-la.. I am inseminated. For those of you that do not know what this truly means, I call it turkey basting (haha). A catheter bypasses my cervix and gets as close as possible to my fallopian tubes to give the swimmers a head start. We will try this for three months straight. If that does not work, well... IVF.  Fingers Crossed!!

As soon as we left, I told Robert "Oh my gosh, this could be happening finally" and followed it with "Holy crap can I handle ACTUALLY being pregnant?"  I had so many thoughts crossing my mind and poor Robert dealing with me. I feel emotional and hopefully but scared shitless. We are not pregnant (YET) but this could finally be our time. Robert and I also decided to be apart of two studies. One, we will actually be reimbursed and the second, we are just basically allowing our results and testing to be used in a database. When Dr. Van Voohis asked, we were more than willing because maybe offering ourselves to the study could help others down the road.

Less than a week...

You know, I hope one day I can look back on all these entries and get that feeling of “that was so long ago.” That we finally are blessed with a child. Rather naturally, surrogate, adoption, and so forth. With that being said, Monday is the big day of the first consultation with a specialist. Of course Robert is going to be attending with me as well. I am nervous, excited, at times just not interested, and full of crazy emotions.

Now, as I have time to think about it, I have been overwhelming myself with what to expect, what to ask, and how the appointment is supposed to go. I have it all planned out in my head as it is just a get to know each other appointment and not to expect much more than that. That means me being me, I will be well prepared with questions and comments. I will have them all written down and ready. I have no idea how these things work obviously.

I feel like with everything we have been through in Muscatine and their department, that I should not expect easy and quick answers. I don't want to feel the negativity I felt here. What I DO expect is to be cared about, bed side manner, not be on the back burner, and to feel like that my case is just as important as anyone else’s. Less than a week… and maybe, finally, fingers crossed, some answers in the very near future. 

Surrogacy

I had said this would be my next entry and to be honest I usually never write at home. But it just feels right. It was some thing I touched on briefly in the beginning of writing. I had said it was something that was not an option for many reasons. Reasons such as I was feeling like how could I handle Rob touching another woman’s belly? Not my belly when our child moved and kicked. Not having the connection with me that our child was growing inside of me? How could I even consider that!? Jealousy on a way different level of your significant other checking someone out and such. This was forming a bond with someone that could give him something I possibly could not. Then, the whole trusting another person to carry your baby for 9 months or so. Can you trust they are making the correct choices? Are they using drugs or alcohol? Will they continue to understand that this baby is not theirs to keep? Will they become annoyed that we may overwhelm them with questions or emotions?

With that being said, over 2.5 years in, those questions will always be there but I am realizing that if this an option, I think I could now handle it. I think Robert could now be willing to make this choice as well. I had a friend bring it up to me and I had a way different reaction to this then I would have two years ago. Now, I am a lot more open minded. I just have no idea how to go about it now. It can all be so overwhelming because it comes down to how badly do we want a child? Of course, easy answer. We do. But it almost is that feeling time is running out. The what ifs, the choices, and the judgement of what choice we do make. Judgement won’t be what distracts us, that is for sure. I do not have a friend or relative that would carry a baby for us which makes it a harder conversation. Trusting a stranger. It is a never ending battle of questions and stress. I just know that over time it has become more of a discussion as well. In a positive way. Being open minded and accepting, we have realized, is the way to go. 

Post Vacation

Well, here we are back to reality. Vacation was a nice get away from work, life, and responsibilities. Or at least, that what is suppose to be like, correct? I can say for the most part it was but of course we still end up having conversations about what we want for each other, with each other, and so forth. You know how they say when you stop trying, it will happen? Well I got news for ya, been there, done that. We have went away from schedules and meds already. We have tracked, we have tried. We have done the "old wise tales" suggestions. That brings this whole vacation scenario down to this: A choice of a childless life.

Ok, I know that I have touched base on this. But when those thoughts came about, we were very against even considering it. I knew it would come up again. I knew it would tug at my heart as well as my desires. This has been in a both positive and negative way. With that being said, we talked more about it on vacation. A more serious conversation about it. As we sit together looking over the ocean I asked yet again if this could be something he could do all his life. If he could be ok with living with just him and I. I know deep down Rob (as well as I) will always want a child, but I know on my personal level, I feel blessed even to have found a wonderful man. Of course, Rob is ok as long as he has me. He loved me first. 

We talked a little bit more about the benefits again and it seems we are accepting more and more that a child may not be part of our future. We are talking, instead of crying and isolating the conversation. Anyone who has dealt with infertility or never was able to have children know that you have to accept the reality of things. No matter how badly you may want something. You have to consider the other option, the option you would not choose if you had a choice. No, we do not plan on giving up and yes, we are going to the specialist next month. But at the same time, depending on what they say, we may just continue to not prevent the possibility and cross our fingers that one day I will get that positive pregnancy test. If it doesn’t happen, we can’t say we didn’t try. (so many negatives in that sentence!) Next blog, I want to talk about what we have thought about with a surrogate. 

Anxiety and Pregnancy

So, I have not written in a while partially because I have now been working full time along with evening activities, and we haven’t made it to the specialist yet. I was talking with a friend recently about pregnancy and child birth which brought up the subject of fears. Anyone who knows me knows I have some moderate and at times extreme anxiety. I have always had it but it heightened when my father passed away. Now, anyone who has it as well knows what we feel we know deep down is irrational but we can’t control it. I am realizing not even being pregnant, thinking about the fact I can’t have my meds for it my anxiety rises!

What if I have panic attacks the whole pregnancy? What if I can’t control any of it and it affects the baby and myself? How will I get through it without any sort of medication to calm me? I know many will say that I will be fine because I know I will be carrying a baby and have no choice but to control it. But, I have no idea! My anxiety is not social anxiety, group anxiety, but death anxiety. I know since it started I have it under way better control and have my techniques to deal with it when it is out of hand, but I also know I have my medication if I can’t control it. I am hoping meditation, yoga, and other natural remedies would get me through the long months. Or maybe I will be lucky and be someone that it levels out my anxiety! Imagine someone who worries their first pregnancy about every little thing and times it by 10. Oh Boy! Any mom's out there that know what I am talking about, would love some advice for when/if the day comes I get a positive pregnancy test:):)

I am going to go off subject here and bring up a natural way to help with infertility. I have been doing a lot of reading and found that some have went to the chiro for infertility. Something as simple as their pelvic area is tilted and the adjustments helped correct it. Or better yet helps with the blood flow of the reproductive system. Even the nervous system and automatic nervous system. As we start our journey with a specialist, I am also going to bring this up with my chiro. Why not? Can’t hurt! Count down to the specialist.. month and half.